Mr and Mrs McMuffin

holiday death walk...

We have been inspired by the Carrot man and are thinking a lot about holidays. This is tale of heroism and bravery on holiday. This is the ultimate 'determined to enjoy themselves' story. We have now been to Madeira three times. I fought and argued over the first visit. It was my first holiday abroad, and Mrs McMuffin's parents had really liked the place when they had gone there about 15 years before. I like to think of myself as quite sophisticated, but I took a Miss Marple approach to life: I don't need to travel to learn about life, all life is here on my doorstep, people are people, sort of thing...I also objected to the idea that my first holiday abroad should be dictated by her parents, who by the way are really very nice...but that is not the point.

We have now visited Madeira three times, and it is probably my most favourite place in the whole world. It is old world Europe, but small and perfectly proportioned, with a proper little city at its heart.

On our second trip we decided to do a levada walk. This is a common tourist trip. The levadas are a network of canals that provide water to the whole of the island, and they offer the opportunity to see bits of the island that aren't normally seen. Anyway, we consulted our guidebook and found the perfect three mile walk that ended at a cafe. This is a picture of Mrs McMuffin, happy in the big woolly cardigan that she had bought at the top of Monte.

This is me, Mrs McMuffin, taking over because he has gone to ensure our dinner isn't burned. So, anyway we started the walk only to find that due to Levada repairs we had to go back the other way. The walk was lovely and the sound of the Levada burbling alongside us enhanced the whole experience. Mr McMuffin doesn't do walking so he got really fed up and picked a row with me. I told him to fuck off, obviously, which is just what he did. The levada path got narrower and narrower and I found myself walking alone on a strip of concrete about a foot across with a drop of about 1,000 feet next to it. You just cannot see this horror in the photographs.

Now I am absolutely terrifed of heights. I was the kid who crawled across railway bridges and as an adolescent was humilated to see little kids running past me on the ramparts of Castell Cydweli laughing as I was on my hands and knees. I had exactly the same sense of fear, only this time it was real, if I slipped I would die. No question. Now I tried to be brave and rebuked myself for my stupid fear. I recall laughing as I put a foot forward only to realise that the foot was shaking so much I could have frothed cappucino. God knows how I did it, but I got to the other end, about half a mile, on my sodding hands and knees. I really had got to the point of no return, so was only able to go forward. At one point I recall thinking that if I just hurled myself off the ledge at least I wouldn't have to suffer the surprise of slipping. I cannot believe that I actually did this, I have never been braver.

Back to Mr McMuffin: I knew nothing of all this drama. To begin with I was just having a sulk, trying to enjoy the scenery. But, it didn't take long before I realise that my life was at risk. I took a male approach to the whole thing, and I strode bravely onwards with my eyes kept firmly ahead. After a while, I entered a tunnel, and I just kept going. I didn't look behind, I just assumed that Mrs McMuffin was behind me, and I was too pissed off with her to talk to her. It took me a while when I reached the end to realise that she wasn't behind me, and it took me even longer to find out where she was, but, good reader, for your sake, I ensured the moment was forever captured:

We were so pleased to have survived the whole experience that we completely forgot our row. It is amazing how near death experiences help you to appreciate the small things in life.

Now, back to Mrs McMuffin, while I go and finish dinner.

Now just before we entered the treacherous part of the walk, we were passed by a whole load of tourists who smiled and wished us a good day. Not ONE of those bastards tried to tell us what lay ahead. When we got to the end of the whole thing some other tourists came along and we exchanged a small conversation about how scary it had been. What was a bit stange was that we did it in French and as we walked away, they started speaking in German, and we obviously talked in English. When they heard us, they gave us these hurt looks, as if we had fooled them into thinking we were French, when they has in fact begun the conversation in French. They must have thought that Mr McMuffin was a mute and I had learning disabilities because he can't speak French (apart from 'deux cafes noires s'il vous plaites') and mine is very basic.

So we followed them back to Monte, (where I bought the enormous woolly cardi, which was immediately christened 'the sheep' a few days before). After lots of coffee, a beer, copious fags, a fight with a cat and a little rest, I then gathered my strength for the bloody cable car journey back to Funchal.

done and dusted...

It was nerve-wrecking for a few moments, but I have now booked our holiday in Madeira, and it all worked out much better than I even dreamed off. I stayed away from the package deals and have booked an apartment and flights. It has cost us about half as much as it usually does, which is nice. So, think of us on Monday lunch time, because we will be sipping lovely coffee in the sunshine in our favourite square, which we like to call 'The Yellow Square', for obvious reasons, but is really called Praça do Colombo. The weather is predicted to remain a steady 24˚C for the entire week. If you want to find out more about the lovely Madeira then you can follow the link.

postcards for all...

If you would like to receive a lovely postcard from sunny Madeira send us your address. Here is our email address: mr&mrs@www.mcmuffin.co.uk

temporarily at home...

I just couldn't resist the temptation to do a little blogging while Mrs McMuffin is having a bath. I know it is a bit sad to be sitting in a darkened internet cafe while the sun is blazing outside, but hey, it's my holiday. Madeira is lovely, of course. The sun is shining and it is very warm. Don't worry I am making sure that my white British body is protected from the sun. Our apartment is even better than I could have hoped for, and it has air conditioning in the bedroom. We did have a bit of excitement yesterday when Mrs McMuffin lost her purse. It wasn't so much the money it contained, but having to go through the trouble of reporting all the cards as missing. Of course, we didn't have any telephone numbers on us, and we didn't have the slightest idea how to report anything to the police. In fact, we didn't even know where the police station was. Anyway, fortunately, the lovely Medeiran people came to our rescue, and it had been found in a cafe we had been sitting in. We have now written down all our contact number etc and we each have a copy. Just in case. I must go now, the sun is calling...and I really fancy a beer.

shadowkissing...

We have now returned from our sojourn in Madeira. We have taken lots of lovely photographs, and will post some of them later. I like this photo of us sharing a tender moment.

funchal...

Everybody seems to concentrate on the beauty of Madeira, and the lovely city of Funchal rarely gets a look in. So, I thought I would post some photos of the city. Of course, it is practically impossible to take any photos in Madeira without there being some kind of breathtakingly beautiful scenery in the background. I love Funchal. It has everything I need in a city. Sunshine, sea breezes, lots of shops, beautiful buildings, and lots and lots of places to drink coffee and eat. According to Mrs McMuffin, Madeira is Portuguese for 'wood', or in this context, probably 'forest' is more appropriate. Funchal, apparently, is Portuguese for 'fennel'. Just thought you might like to know that.

By the way, the tumbled down house is the one that I have had my eye on since we first started visiting Madeira four or five years ago. It sits right on the edge of a beautiful park. I was disappointed to hear that some famous footballer had bought a floor of the building next door, so I imagine house prices will start to rocket soon.

wildlife...

These little lizards are everywhere on Madeira. They are only 3 or 4cm long and dart about all over the place. I have struggled to get one of them to stand still long enough for me to take a photo of them. This one, for some reason, sat watching me from its hiding place while I gradually moved the camera closer and closer, until it was almost touching it. Very accommodating little creature.

The Terapins at the botantical gardens are lovely. They live in a pond in the gardens, and seem to spend their entire life piled on top of one another sunning themselves. Again, this one, who I shall call Frank, was not in the least bit camera shy. Mrs McMuffin impressed me today, by telling me that she could see the meniscus of the water really clearly in the photograph. You will have to look this up, but I think it has something to do with the surface tension of the water.

This is a very pretty cat.

flora and fauna...

I can't help myself. I just have to post a few more photographs from our Madeira trip. My apologies to those people who are still using a dial-up connection. I don't know what any of the plants are called, except for the first one, which is Papyrus.

all good things

I love being off work. This is the longest holiday I've had since we got married and it has been fantastic.

One of the friends we saw yesterday was Ms Ginger Cake and of course we had to talk about work a bit. I was a bit stunned to hear that my new boss has got himself another job, but I guess that explains why I received an application pack for his job in the post. It seems my big boss wants me and Ms Ginger Cake to go for the job. I shall apply, but I have to give some serious thought to this. What if we both go for the jobs (there is another post in another team as well) and only one of us gets it? How will our friendship cope? What if she ends up as my boss? What if I end up as hers?

If I don't apply for the post I know I'll be seen as unambitious, as the last time the post was advertised both of us were asked to apply, but couldn't face it. To be honest, I don't really want this job, but it wouldn't hurt my CV and would be a good springboard. What if I'm just not good enough? Mr McMuffin thinks both of us should apply and he told Ms Ginger Cake that he's going to teach me some techniques for undermining the competition! To be fair, he then explained to Ms Ginger Cake what she could do as well. Fortunately he was joking, but it didn't get rid of the slightly sick feeling I have had since last night. I think I have just got too comfortable in my current post and have lost a bit of confidence in my ability to do anything else.

I think I'm going to buy a lottery ticket. That should solve the problem.

Anyway, on a happier note we're being entertained at the Carrot Cakes' tonight. Tomorrow we shall be entertaining Mr McMuffin junior and his beau. Then we're back at work. I want another holiday.

mrs mcmuffin's day off and memories of when I passed as a yummy mummy

I am off work tomorrow and I shall be spending the day with Big Sister and the Nephew. We plan to make him happy by returning to Greenwich Park, where Big Sis, Gypsy Tart and I spent many a happy afternoon as kids (Mum, Dad, can we go throught the tunnel again? Look I've got one foot in the East and the other in the West. Please can I have an ice cream, please?). The Nephew still fondly recalls the day Gypsy Tart and I took him and the Neice to Greenwich. Forget the river trip, he was most impressed by the noodle bars and wants to have salted squid again. Poor love, his parents should never have moved to Yorkshire, it's cruel.

What I recall was how having the Neice and Nephew in tow transformed Gypsy Tart and I into 'Yummy Mummies'. No longer were we sad, lonely Spinsters of the Parish (I so regret relinquishing that title, really), we were gorgeous, fertile single mothers paying lots of attention to our children (well, we only had them for the day so it was easy). We were sirens calling to the men of South East London. No one actually spoke to us you understand, we were too good for that kind of sordid approach, but I have never been the subject of so many admiring and approving looks.

penblwydd hapus i gypsy tart

Happy Birthday to my little sister. Sadly we are not celebrating in Barcelona this year. The scenery here is not as nice as it was there, but the accommodation is a lot better.

i should be so lucky

My big sister has won a trip to Prague. Not fair is it? I considered being mean for a second and telling her to book a hotel near Wenceslas Square (great for junkies and prostitutes at night), or way out of town, but instead steered her to Mala Strana, close to the bridge. I know Prague has been so over for the last 10 years at least, but I like it. I'm trying to get her to visit Terezin, but I can't decide if that's because I want her to experience something different, or pure spite. Oh well.

Had an interesting compliment from the Police today. When I explained I was in a different job, I was told that they were pleased that they had someone sensible in charge. If the Police like me, what does that make me? I must be truly evil, or a shining light of joy. I'm going with the evil.

(This is Mrs McMuffin, I had to login as 'Mr' to deal with the spam scum and forgot to log out. By the way, Ms Ginger Cake has written her first post, go and encourage/harass her to write another. It will be worth it.)