Mr and Mrs McMuffin

pickled grapes

I made some pickled grapes yesterday. There is still time to do this for Christmas. They only need to sit for a couple of weeks. This is what you need:

500gms of seedless black grapes
500ml of white wine vinegar
500gms of brown sugar
The rind of one lemon
three cloves
two star anises
one vanilla pod
one stick of cinnamon
three juniper berries

And a 1 litre kilner jar, or other sealable jar to store the grapes in.

Wash and pat dry the grapes. Leave them on the stalks, but cut them into small bunches of four or five grapes. Place the grapes in the jar. Put all the other ingredients into a pot and bring to the boil. Boil for a couple of minutes, and then remove the cinnamon stick and vanilla pod. Pour the syrup into the jar, over the grapes, and seal.

The grapes can be eaten the next day, but they will be better if you store them in a cool place for a couple of weeks. They will last unopened for about 6 months, but once you open them you must eat them within four weeks. The perfect accompaniment to cheese.

i love this blog...

I have just discovered a great use for our blog. I have invited Mr and Mrs Carrott cake to join us and some other friends for dinner tomorrow, but I couldn't remember what we ate last time they came to dinner. Lo and behold, I had made an entry on our blog about the menu for our last dinner date. I will now not have to suffer the humilation of serving the same dish twice in a row. I have decided that I really need to have a search thingy for our blog, and that I will keep a record of all the meals that we give people. I now have a hankering to go back over our diary to work out what we have eaten over the last few months, but no, that would be just too anal, even for me.

mostly today...

I have been cooking. Thought I'd invite Mrs McMuffin's sister and her partner round for food tonight. They have lived across the road from us for a few months now and we seem to see less of them than when they lived miles away. It is all very strange. I guess it has got something to do with each of us trying to respect the others privacy, but I think maybe we still need to do a little bit of tinkering. Anyway, tonight we are going to have a bit of a mish mash of things: aubergine and rocket dip, then giant salmon fishcakes, again, but they are so lovely, with shredded spring greens. I would usually have spinach but Mr Rock Cake would run a mile if I did that tonight. We are going to finish off with a pear crumble tart and cream. The crumble tart looks great. It was supposed to be made with apples, but Mrs McMuffin and her sister grew up with apple trees in their garden, and they often had apple based foods, so they aren't particularly impressed when I make something with apples. I have added a secret ingredient to the tart: a little sprinkling of creme de cassis, a lovely blackcurrant liqueur. Now all I have to do is clear up the mess that I have made!

salmon fishcake recipe for Jo

This will make you four or five very large fishcakes. One fishcake per person is more than enough, even Mr Rock Cake, of the most extraordinary appetite, couldn't manage two. It was either the second fishcake or a pudding, and he opted for the pudding, and took the extra one home with him. Here we go:

600gm cooked potato [finely mashed, without butter or cream]
600gm salmon fillet [cooked and loosely flaked]
100gms smoked salmon [cut into small pieces]
4 spring/salad/scallions onions [finely chopped]
Handful of parsley [finely chopped]
Dollop of sweet chili sauce
Dollop of tomato ketchup [turns it a lovely shade of salmon pink]
Dollop of anchovy paste/essence/sauce
salt and ground black pepper to taste

Thoroughly mix together half of the cooked salmon with all of the other ingredients then loosely mix in the rest of the salmon trying not to break it up too much. The idea is that you will have some chunky bits of salmon in the mix. Using flour on your hands and a board, form the mixture into four or five fishcakes. I start off with a ball shape and then form it into a stumpy cylinder shape. These things are quite dramatic, and you are looking for a bit of height. They should roughly be about three inches across and two inches high, roughly. Put the fishcakes into the fridge to cool for two or three hours. You can even make them to this stage the night before. When you are ready, get yourself a solid base frying pan, and using a bit of oil, I wouldn't use olive oil because it smokes too readily, but it doesn't really matter what you use, brown off the top and bottom of each fishcake. I usually fry the cakes at a very high temperature for only a few minutes each end. The idea is to give the ends a bit of colour and a little bit of crust. It is probably easier to do just one or two cakes at a time or else you might have some trouble turning them. I have the splattered oil burns on my arms as evidence of this. Place the fishcakes onto a baking sheet as you finish frying them. Again, they can sit for a while until you are ready. I usually put them back in the fridge until I am ready to cook them through. Cook them in a moderately hot oven at about 400 fahrenheit/200 centigrade/6 Gas Mark for 25/30 minutes. They should be lovely and browned by then. I usually served them on lightly cooked spinach, but I always ensure that there is no water left in the spinach by putting the spinach in a sieve and pushing the water out using the back of a strong spoon. If it gets too cold you can always stick it back in the pot for a couple of minutes. Around this I spoon a lemon butter sauce which I make from a 100gms melted butter and the juice of two lemons. Beat this vigourously and at the last minute add some finely chopped dill. This is meant to be a thin sauce, used sparingly. I finish the whole thing off by topping the fishcake with some roasted baby tomatoes on the vine, just two or three depending on their size.

I hope that I have explained this well enough. I am writing this after having had just a little too much to drink. This is an impressive plate. It is hard to go wrong with it. Even 'uncooked' the fishcakes taste fantastic! All the measurements are approximate, and you can really add whatever you fancy, or have available, to the mixture. Just bear in mind that you don't want it to get too wet or else you will not be able to keep the shape. I wouldn't put tomatoes into the mixture because they can get very soggy. The smoked salmon is an essential ingredient. It completely transforms the taste of the finished fishcake. Let me know if there is anything that is not clear. Good luck. I'd like to know how it goes down for you.

bbc humour...

I was shocked to find the BBC making fun of the fate of a poor little American Robin probably on their first visit to the UK. I shall be protesting in the strongest possible manner. I am not sure I believe in the BBC anymore.

Bruce Bogtrotters Cake [from Matilda]

We had a lovely meal with Mr and Mrs Carrot Cake last night. The high point of the evening for me was the pudding. We had a fantastic chocolate cake. It is a bit squidgy like a brownie. I just had to track down the recipe and share it with the world.

This is a recipe from Roald Dahl's Revolting Recipes [created by Gary Rhodes] In case you've forgotten, Bruce Bogtrotter was the little boy that stole a piece of chocolate cake from the Trunchbull in Matilda. As punishment, he then had to consume an entire cake in front of the whole school!

The cake

175g butter
225g plain chocolate
175g self raising flour
6 eggs, seperated
125g caster sugar

The icing

225g plain chocolate
225g double cream

20cm cake tin lined with baking paper

Preheat oven to 180°c (gasmark 4).

Melt the chocolate and stir in butter till melted. Remove from the heat and beat in yokes then mix with flour and sugar. In a seperate bowl, whisk egg whites till stiff and fold half into the chocolate mix, mixing thoroughly. Fold in the other half of whites very carefully. Bake for 35 minutes. It should have a thin crust - don't worry if it is still sticky in the middle, it is supposed to like that although it will firm up a bit as it cools. When cool enough to handle, remove from the tin. Meanwhile, make icing. Melt the chocolate with the cream and blend together. Leave to cool. If the cake has sunk slightly in the middle, turn it over before pouring the icing over the top.

chocolat faux brulee...

That's the best name we can come up with. I was inspired by the chocolate cake thing I made earlier this week. I wanted to see how much chocolate I could get into one dish. I think this easily is competition for the River Cafe chocolate nemesis cake and Bruce Bogtrotter's cake. Best of all, it takes a few minutes to make. Don't be put off by the ingredients, it is fantastic. This should make about 4 or 5 servings. I don' think the measures are set in stone, and I think you could just add a bit more of everything to make a couple more servings if you wanted to. The servings seem very small, aim for something around the size of an expresso cup, but are more than enough. You will need:

100gm of Toblerone [broken into pieces]
one Mars Bar [roughly broken up]
a good slug of kirsch, or any other liqueur you think will go with chocolate
142 ml tub of double cream
150gms of good quality dark chocolate

Put the Toblerone, Mars Bar, 50gms of the dark chocolate and cream into a bowl and microwave it all in 30 seconds bursts, stirring it together at the end of each burst. Keep going until it is smoothly melted. Add the kirsch. Make sure it is fully blended into the chocolate. Pour the chocolate into the serving pots. While the chocolate is cooling melt the remaining dark chocolate in a separate bowl in the microwave. Again do it in 30 seconds burst, stirring a the end of each burst, until it is smoothly melted down. Pour a very, very thin layer over the top of the chocolate mixture, covering completely. Let it all cool. I wouldn't put this in the fridge. I have been thinking about what else to do with this, and I think you could put two or three cherries that have been soaked in kirsch in the bottom of each pot before pouring over the chocolate mixture, or if you prefer on top of it all. If you make it, let me know what you think. Good luck.

a slug...

I thought I would share with the world that for the past few days I have been sharing my shower with a slug. Fortunately Mrs McMuffin doesn't use the shower. I have taken a live and let live approach to it, but we have friends coming to stay at the weekend and now it must go. I just want to take this opportunity to thank the slug for sharing those shower moments with me, and I wish it well in its new life in the sewers.

lunching lady

I have been a lunching lady today, and met Mrs Carrot Cake and Master Carrot Cake the younger today for a little light shopping and lunch. I've never really got to know her children very well, but from what I've seen they are gorgeous and a real credit to their parents.

We stopped for coffee and Mrs CC had some Earl Grey tea. Master CC (he's not yet 3) just loved the discarded teabag and asked to play with it. Mrs CC was the voice of reason, explaining why it wasn't a great thing to play with, and trying to divert him. He gave her a pained look, and said with some passion, 'But mummy, I need it!' I have to say I found this very funny, it wasn't a case of want, but need. What kind of sick world do we live in when the only thing a toddler needs is a manky old teabag?

Mrs CC is a litle more used to this than me, but I think was still quite amused by her adorable son. I'm not sure how amused she was when my first words to him were 'I'm going to blog about you'. I do applaud his simple tastes though, I don't think I really needed another Le Creuset pot, even at a knockdown price, or the cute little top from Zara.

I also found out that Mrs CC checked the blog before she came out and had read about my encounter with lightning. She was pretty well up to date on my less than diverting life, which didn't affect our ability to chat for hours, but pretty well screwed up my 'I've got to tell you about...' part of the conversation. This must be such a relief to my friends, they no longer have to listen as I act out the flash, the 'zzzz', the thunder and the impact on me for at least 30 minutes, or until I realise they've fallen asleep! I now realise the true usefullness of blogging. Now the big Question is, Mrs CC, when are you going to get yours?

dinner with the carrot cakes

As you have probably gathered we had Mr and Mrs Carrot Cake to dinner last night. We had a lovely evening. Got quite drunk, ate lots of food, and I think I have almost persuaded Mr Carrot Cake to get himself a Mac! Although that might just have been the drink. We had a Moroccan style evening. The first course consisted of butter bean dip, aubergine dip and roasted peppers with baked pitta breads (tear the pitta bread up into chunks, sprinkle a little olive oil, black pepper and some course sea salt, and bake on a high heat for about 5 minutes or so - turns them fantastically crispy). The main course was a version of this monstrosity that I made last year. This was an amazing mixture of couscous, fennel, red peppers, courgettes, aubergines, garlic cloves, red onion, sweet potato and huge chunks of spicy roasted lamb. The veg are all baked covered in olive oil and honey.

Anyway, my new sophisticated version involved dicing all the vegetables into one cm cubes and roasting in the same way. They were then mixed with couscous and packed into timbales. Very delicate and very delicious. These were served with lightly roasted lamb neck fillets and baby tomatoes, with a prune and ginger sauce ( which I have to admit to buying!)

Pudding was my patented Faux Chocolat Brulee (Mrs Carrot Cake is a chocoholic) with baby apples. This time I flavoured the chocolate mixture with Calvados.

Very, very tasty. Even if I say so myself.

Mrs McMuffin claims a thanks for choosing the vegetables with such care, and inspiring the meal.

Got to go now. I am starving and my roasted lamb shanks are waiting.

exploding pasta...

I had a strange food experience today. I was making some pasta when it suddenly exploded in the pot, perhaps exploded isn't the right word, it really just seem to disintegrate. The picture on the left is the before, and the picture on the right is the oddly broken up stuff. This has never happened to me before. Does anyone have any idea why this happened?

monday night drinking...

We had an impromptu get together with Ms Ginger Cake and Mr Rock Cake last night. It started off as a quick glass of wine in their garden, while our respective dinners where cooking. We then decided to combine our meals, which went together very nicely, to have a tapasey type meal, and carried on drinking. I ended up drinking a bottle of red wine and several glasses of Griotte, a fantastic Czech cherry liqueur. I now feel a little bit hung over. But I can't let that bother me because I have a report to write for court. Yesterday, I suddenly realised that the report had to be filed today. For some reason, I had thought it didn't have to be in until Thursday. So I guess I should get writing!

nandos

Norah has asked me to do a little post about Nandos. There isn't that much to say about them except they sell flame grilled chicken marinated in their Peri-Peri sauce. I thought they were Portuguese, but it turns out that they orginate in South Africa. I don't quite get the connection, but...They have restuarants all over the UK and Australia, and you can buy their sauces in America. While I wondering around their websites, you can get to them all by following the link on the right, I did find this, which I thought was quite funny. I am a little bit obsessed by chicken. I love Nandos.

home on the range

We arived home safely thanks to me. I concentrated all the way home on the plane not crashing and it worked. We had a great time but are pleased to be home and able to sleep in our own bed. We shall bore you with the photos and anecdotes very soon, but tonight are going to catch up with Gypsy Tart and Rock Cake at 'Monday Night Club', that's if they ever get home from work. Mr McMuffin brought a load of squid, prawns, beans, olives and cheese back. We've been to Sainsbury's and now have the makings of a magnificent meal.

Let us know when you get your postcards, it seems that David is the first of the bunch and if this was a pigeon race he would win. Thanks for all the good holiday wishes and we'll be visiting you very soon.

maybe the mormons are right

In honour of our time off work we have watched a lot of films. Our local shop has a three DVD's for £6 offer which we just had to take up. We still had 'A Mighty Wind' to watch so decided to try and fit it in today. Mr McMuffin kindly made me a cafetiere of coffee and it was so good I absent mindedly drank the lot.

I am now twitching like a speed freak, unable to concentrate and trying to clean up the house, as we've got some friends coming over tonight. I seem to be very good at multi tasking but an unable to finish anything properly. This is not a nice feeling. This post has been completed very quickly but it has taken me about ten minutes to check for typos. I can't believe coffee is legal.

dinner with the carrot cakes

We had dinner with Mr and Mrs Carrot Cake last night. As usual Mrs Carrot Cake provided a feast fit for a king. The crowning glory has to have been the fantastic baked cheesecake she made. It was light and moist with a slight lemony tartness from the soured cream and lemon topping. She served it with peaches in syrup. Truly a dessert to write home about. I was a bit sad, and it has to be said, a bit drunk, and I insisted on taking a photograph of the cake. Everyone waited patiently while I farted around getting a photo that I thought did the cake justice. I managed to take quite a few photos in the end. Don't worry I won't post all of them.

lovely stuff...

We are having a lovely relaxing evening with Ms Gypsy Tart and Mr Rock Cake. We have drank ourselves silly with wine and beer, and now moved onto spirits. We are trying to combine our respective dinners. I am cooking a strange pasta concoction and bread, while they are cooking salmon fillets and making some kind of salad. I really like living so close to them. We have a fantastic four day weekend. I have arranged with Mrs McMuffin's work for her to have Monday and Tuesday off. It is all a bit sad, but it is looking unlikely that we are going to get to see Warsaw, and more likely that we will have a day trip to France instead, which seems like a bit of a comedown. Ah well, I have found this amazing site that does really cheap flights to eastern europe, and we can get to Budapest in December for only £44 return. This may be a bit of a ramble, as I have had too much to drink. Got to go and sort out our dinner. Hope you are all having a lovely evening.

pathetic...

I had to have the day off work today to recover from the lack of sleep I suffered while Mr TEFL Smiler was visiting over the weekend. We ended staying up until 4am each morning chatting and drinking. It was great, but has taken it's toll on my poor aged body. I slept through my alarm this morning, and then sat in front of the computer until nearly 10am, when I decided that I wasn't going to work. This afternoon I watched Truly, Madly, Deeply and dozed a little bit. Great film, great nap. I recommend them both.

i chefbot

I cooked dinner for Mr McMuffin tonight. He even went back and had seconds. Soon the whole world will be mine.

he podbot

Mr McMuffin has amazed me again. He has cleaned the kitchen and done all the washing up. Perplexed, I sought reassurance that he was not a pod person. I got it. He explained he had washed everything by hand as he couldn't be bothered to unload the dishwasher. Now that's the man I know and love.

mrs mcmuffin is going to cook, ice observed in Hades and from our livestock correspondent, wingbuds spotted on pigs

I have to uphold my end of the deal. The last time we ate at the Carrot cakes, Mrs Carrot Cake and Mr McMuffin hatched an unholy alliance and agreed that me and Mr Carrot Cake prepare the next meals at our respective households. Oh, how we laughed then. Now I am very worried, as it appears that they are coming over on Saturday.

I used to be able to cook and quite liked it. However, living with culinary excellence embodied in the shape of Mr McMuffin, my cooking skills have atrophied and possibly dropped off. I have to prepare and cook a meal for four on Saturday to the same standard that we have become accustomed to from the kitchens of Mrs Carrot Cake and Mr McMuffin. Although technically Mr McMuffin and I share a kitchen, my role appears to be merely to clean it and not mess with the art.

I need some help. No one is fussy apart from me (no pork, celery etc) so I have free rein. Please tell me what you think of the following menu which I hope is sufficiently Autumnal. I am considering a three course meal beginning with seared scallops with potato, wild mushrooms and mushroom veloute (cheers to Olive) and ending with mini Eve's pudding with apricots and fresh custard (my recipe, ooh, get me), oh and cheese after. I just don't know what to do in the middle. I'm thinking lamb shanks, possibly a beef dish...I don't know. Perhaps fish and chips if I'm desperate! Help. All suggestions gratefully considered.

a job shared

I am delighted that Mr McMuffin wished to experience the joy of a dinner party from 'the other side'. He thinks it's all so easy. Here's the list of tasks:

Hoover everything (including the settee, the stairs and the bedrooms, Mr McMuffin)
Wash the kitchen and bathroom floor.
Wipe all surfaces and polish.
Do all the washing.
Change the bedding.
Mow the grass and trim the edges, water all the pots.
Clean up after me in the kitchen by washing pans and moan loudly about all the food that gets dropped on the floor.
At 6pm respond to the anxious complaints that the hard work that goes in to cooking is just not appreciated with a nasty comment.
At 6.01pm enter a full blown war zone.
At 6.30pm try and humour the cook and get a sulky face and silent treatment.
At 7pm have a little laugh at the silliness of it all and get ready to lay the table and have your unstylish arrangements criticised.
Be prepared to be sent out for last minute shopping.
At 7.30pm remember you now have half an hour to get ready and pretend that you didn't go to that much effort after all.
Praise the cook the whole evening.

iCook and iMeet

Amazingly my food was edible and no one seemed to get ill from it. I really enjoyed the cooking, but not being away from our guests for so long. I also want to know why it is that food you make yourself never tastes as good as when someone else makes it. Anyway, Mr McMuffin found it all very difficult, he is so used to being in the kitchen that he didn't quite know what to do with himself. Needless to say, he did not decide to change the bedding, or work in the garden.

We also met up with Kirsty for a coffee today and can confirm she is as lovely in real life as she is on her blog. Now we've met two bloggers who are perfectly nice and I'm wondering where all the psycho stalkers are that our friends feared we would be exposed to (if you are one, please don't see this as an invitation, go away).

We'd arranged to go and see I, Robot in the cinema with Gypsy Tart, so I didn't have any time for the clothes shopping spree I had planned. I just had time to check that Gap still don't have the trousers I want in my size because they have been 'walking off the shelves' according to the nice sales assistant. I'm not sure I want them any more now. However, I did get a fantastic spider catcher at Lakeland, and some slippers. Glamour is my middle name.

a snippet...

I shall set the scene. I am playing on the computer while Mrs McMuffin sits next to me leafing through the latest edition of the BBC Good Food magazine. Slink is yowling in the background. He has had his dinner and has retired to the hallway where he makes the most ungodly racket in a bid to persuade us to go to bed so that he can have a little after dinner nap.

Mrs McM: why doesn't Oz Clarke just come out and say that he's gay? [reading an article in Good Food]
Mr McM: I didn't know he was gay...what makes you think that?
Mrs McM: oh, it's all those coy references to 'we'.
Mr McM: let me have a look at his kitchen then...[looks at pictures of kitchen]...oh, he is gay...
Mrs McM: why'd you say that?
Mr McM: look at all that chrome
Mrs McM: oh, yes...

Our next conversation solved the problems in the middle east, but I was only half listening so I can't really remember how we did it.

top barnet

Ms Gypsy Tart has has her hair cut and coloured by the salon director at a top London salon. He also put some highlights in. She is disappointed, mine are so much better than his. Career change indicated I think. I'm not too much of a snob to tell people that I used to be a Social Services manager but am a hairdresser now. Oh wait...I am. Usually too snobby to say I work for the council that is.

A second snippet for you:

We have finished our pasta and had some warm bread and a pat of butter to go with it. I am moving the dirty plates to the kitchen.

Mrs McM: I'm taking the plates, can you take the bread and the butter?
Mr McM: No, you take it all. Take the butter.
Mrs McM: Stupid, it's too much for me to carry.
Mr McM: F**cking lazy butter b*tch.

Cue sound of hysterical laughter.

Almost as funny as when a kid I looked after called me a spasticated nappy. Bless him, he was so upset and all I could do was run into another room and almost wet myself laughing.

dinner with the carrot cakes

We had a lovely time with Mr and Mrs Carrot Cake last night. There was just too much drinking and eating. Mr Carrot Cake prepared a feast for us. We started with mussels in a creamy winey sauce and leeks, and good soda bread to soak up the juices. Then we moved on to a rack of lamb with puy lentils wrapped in cabbage and mashed potato with leek. Pudding was a chocolatey heaven thing. Light chocolate sponge cake from which oozed a warm chocolate sauce when you cut into it. This was served with Mr Carrot Cakes home made vanilla ice cream. The meal was lovely, and I can't wait for him to cook again. He cooked his meal on their beautiful, gleaming black, Rangemaster cooker. I want one!

ingrate

Last week I was just too tired to post about the lovely food that Ms Ginger Cake made us for dinner and I certainly didn't want to give the impression that it was not worthy of comment, far from it. Ms Ginger Cake's meal was a great mix of Jamaican and other food and we finished with a most praiseworthy syrup sponge. I would like to mention the bread that she drove over to Clapham to get, but I can't remember what it's called and I know she'll mock me if I don't get it right.

On the subject of ingratitude, I have to admit that two weeks on I hate my job. Not the job itself, but trying to function without key personnel and the incompetence of some staff. I have been sold a pup and it is making me a misery to be with. Sorry, Carrot Cakes! On a more cheerful note, here's some kittens. I am also feeling very clever for learning how to put a tag in. Kirsty tried to tell me ages ago, but for some reason it semed too complicated for me. I just had a look at her source code and saw how simple it really was. I am now equipped for those magical mouseover moments. Happiness returns.

loving you is easy 'cos

...you bought me Leonidas chocolates.

breakfast to go...

Ms Gypsy Tart came to visit us this morning. She brought us a copy of The Sunday Times, which is something she often does. Only this morning was different because she then offered to cook us breakfast. I had a bacon sandwich with HP sauce, and Mrs McMuffin had scrambled eggs with mushrooms on toast. She actually cooked the food in her house and brought it round to us. Wasn't that nice of her. I was very tempted to ask her what was for dinner, but decided that I might be pushing it too far. I found this picture on the internet. It's a bacon and egg sandwich, with what looks like HP sauce oozing out of it. This, to my mind, is the only thing better than a bacon sandwich.