I'm dying...

I think it's hard to understand how I went from being fit and healthy to knowing that I am dying, in such a short time. It seems unbelievable that there were no signs.

I got 'flu' at the end of January and felt really tired. Mr McMuffin thought I was malingering when I said I was too shattered to bathe the kids or change nappies and spent a hefty chunk of the day lying on the sofa. My arms felt a bit weak and achy and when I went back to work after the week's illness, I realised that my left hand and wrist were so weak that I couldn't type properly and changing gear in the car was a real effort. I really panicked, which despite the great pleurisy scare at work, is not really how I am about sickness, I'm fairly relaxed about being sick as I know I'll get better quickly. So this time was really odd, I had a real sense of wrongness and even doom. I went to see my GP, but when the blood tests came back negative and I felt something on my face I was advised to get a private neurology appointment so that I didn't have to wait a number of weeks in the state of anxiety I was in. I agreed and arranged an appointment for the day after. The neurologist I saw told me to go to Kings A&E the next day and they would admit me. They did. We were all hoping the news would be better, but I cannot fault the compassionate, respectful and excellent medical care I received at Kings. They were fantastic and made things happen very quickly for me, even if most of the tests were rather unpleasant!

So now I know that I have a lung cancer that is most likely nothing to do with having been a smoker and it has sent a lot of cancer into my brain. This cancer made my brain swell and that caused the neurological problems, initially with my hand.

The cancer in my brain is the problem. There's a lot of it and it can't be 'targetted', so I take steroids to reduce the swelling and the radiotherapy will be on my whole brain. After this, I'll begin chemotherapy. None of this will cure me, but I hope will extend my life and ability to function for however long I have. I obviously hope to be a medical miracle, but realistically, very few people in my circumstances get to be alive in even a year.

I have every intention of living life as fully as I can and work is a big part of that for me, but whatever I manage to do, I hope that I stay 'me' and true to myself and everyone around me.

This is a horrible situation for my family and friends and I can hardly bear to think about the impact on my children.  But, I have been blessed with a wonderful family, friends and life. I have been more fortunate than most people are and in some ways that makes me more accepting that the lead character in this rather dramatic story is me.