my year

I started the year in a job I hated, surrounded by a fair number of people who hated me. Within six months I quite liked the job and the people conceded that I wasn't so bad after all. Obviously, I then got a job doing something else, but I'll be back to the original job when I go back to work.

In April, Mr McMuffin and I decided that it was time to try for a baby again, after feeling very sad for three years about losing our honeymoon baby. I got pregnant immediately, which was unexpected and made me curse Mr McMuffin's little swimmers, as I had assumed we'd have a little more time to prepare. I then suffered and made everyone else suffer for four months until my exhaustion and psychotic behaviour abated. Since then, I have felt fantastic, healthy and energetic. I have also lost all personal modesty and am happy to drop my clothes at the drop of a hat for Mr McMuffin's series of iBump photos. We had a couple of scares during the pregnancy and I had a big shock when we found out the Bairn is a boy after assuming that I would have a girl. I am now very happy to be having a little boy, even though I shall be a bad mother and make him sit down to pee.

I have also suffered unsolicited advice posing as instructions I must follow, complete strangers giving me shit because I have a bump, horror stories from thoughtless gits about pregnancy and labour (apparently so and so's sister was in labour for six months, you know and then they had to cut her in half to get the baby out and glue her back together) and strange comments about how small the bump is for my dates (even though I'm on the 95th centile for size!). I have now given up and decided that the time for being the object of other people's projections is over, which is not much of an achievement given how close I am to the main event. After yet another ultrasound scan this evening, I can confirm that the boy has his head firmly down and is not breech. Mr McMuffin and I now have to get the house good and ready, because I've seen the hospital delivery suite and am more determined than ever to try to avoid it.

I have also given up fags and booze for the last eight months, cut down on coffee and denied myself some cheeses and pates. I have eaten non stop for six months and despite the cake and chocolate (not my usual thing) have also eaten very healthily. I have slept very badly for five months until this last week and despite the constant toilet trips, am getting a reasonable amount of sleep now.

I have tidied and cleaned the house on more occasions than is good for me and threatened Mr McMuffin with divorce if he persists in walking on clean bath mats with his shoes on and making them filthy on the very day they're put down clean. I have finally accepted that I shouldn't be lifting things after doing myself a mischief and am frustrated at Mr McMuffin's slothfulness at adapting and tidying the house for our baby. Apart from this and the strange McMuffin traits he may have contributed to the Bairn, I am delighted that he is the father of the boy and will be raising him with me, I don't think I could have chosen a better man for the job. A tidier man and more industrious man, yes, but not a better one.

Poor little Slinky made a fantastic recovery from losing an eye and seems back to his normal obnoxious self. He's been a bit under the weather recently as he's still squaring up to other cats and getting infected from their scratches and at the moment has conjunctivitis in his one good eye. Mr McMuffin and I have become quite the experts at sneaking up on him and putting ointment in his eye. We make a very good team if you want to hire us to deal with your pet.

We all worked very hard to give Gypsy Tart and Rock Cake the wedding they wanted and all the friends and associated family contributed so much time and effort that it really touched me to see how loved my sister and her husband are. It was a wonderful day and definitely worth all the anxiety and trauma. My sister was truly beautiful and they both looked absolutely overjoyed to be married.

Mr McMuffin and I had a gorgeous time in Paris and I'm really glad that we made the effort to have some time on our own. I only wish it could have been longer and we'd gone to Poland as well. Still, the Bairn will be old enough to leave in about 18 years, so we'll try and go then.

Apart from feeling a slight twinge about continuing world inequality, terrorism and natural disasters, it's been a very good year overall for me and I'm very excited about 2006 and meeting the wriggling bump and finding out whether he really does have Grandfather McMuffin's nose.

...and finally, I really don't have that much trouble getting out of the bath. As long as I don't let the water drain before I get out, I can just about use the buoyancy to help me up. Now socks are a different matter. I would also like to point out (I'm still insecure and vain) that the iPop photo has both my legs in it. My arase and thighs may be bigger, flabbier and have an interesting texture that they lacked before, but they are not that big. (Ladies, I'm sure you'll know why I felt the need to say that.)