saddo corner

As you know we have been trialling a new McMuffin service this weekend. We just want to help all the poor sad individuals out there in internet land. Here are a couple of examples of the kind of pleas for our help that we have received this weekend. It is clear that the world really needs us.

Dear Mr and Mrs McMuffin

I am in emotional turmoil. I seem to have fallen in love with the cat. I speak to it now in the way I used to speak to the wife many years ago, and hardly speak to the wife at all. And lately I find any old excuse to go and sleep in the spare room, and take the cat with me. I'm not sure how the law stands these days, but can I possibly divorce the wife and marry the cat?

Yours hopefully

Confused

Mrs McMuffin says:

A marriage should be between equals and marrying a member of another species can never be successful for this very reason. While Mrs Confused may be your superior in many respects, she cannot hope to reach the dizzying heights of Felidae. I ask you to question your new found love for the cat. What are his motives, what is he hoping to achieve? Clearly Mrs Confused is alert to his attempts to take over your home and your bed and has put boundaries in place to adress this, but you seem powerless to resist. The real issue here is control and I am afraid to tell you that you are a mere pawn in this battle. Harsh as it may sound, you need to stop being so spineless, side with your species and 'kick that cat to the kerb'.

Mr McMuffin says:

Strictly speaking it is not illegal to marry your cat, and I'm sure if you shop around you'll find many fine internet ordained ministers who will be only too pleased to carry out the cermony for you both. The only problem I can see is the signing of the register. Correct me if I am wrong, but most of the cats I know cannot write, and if by some chance your cat can write, she is unlikely to be willing to reveal her true secret name. Successful relationships have to be based on trust and the fact that you will never know her real name will become a festering resentment like a throbbing boil on the backside of your relationship.

Dear Auntie and Uncle McMuffin

I am hoping that you can give me some advice on my sideboards. I like having them and I feel naked and wide-faced without them. The problem is, however, that I've never been able to get my sideboards even. This is because my face is not perfectly symmetrical, and I'm sure my ears must be different sizes. They're probably also positioned differently. The result is that I can get my sideboards to look even from the front, with each reaching down to the same part of the ear. However, this results in one sideboard being much longer than the other. Alternatively, I can trim each sideboard to the same length, but then they look wrong from the front, as one of them will always finish higher on my face than the other.

Please help me, as I'm at a loss at what to do. Not having sideboards does not seem like an option, as it would remind me too much of those 1980s mullet or helmet days, and the thought of a return to that nightmare is too much for me to take.

Yours lop-sidedly

Sideboard Man

Mrs McMuffin says:

Your plea for advice has been noted by our ever helpful readers and they have offered some very interesting thoughts. I would certainly recommend surgery to even out your facial asymmetry, but I think there may be a simpler solution. Have you checked the contents of the sideboards? One may contain slightly more cutlery/dinner plates/glasses than the other, causing this imbalance. Why not consider redistributing the contents until the furniture hangs more evenly? Alternatively you may wish to replace the sideboards with something lighter, I hear that nested smoked glass coffee tables are hotly tipped for Autumn/Winter 2005.

Mr McMuffin says:

You poor man, I feel for you. I'm not blessed with symmetrical features either. One side of my face slopes off toward my feet, and the only way I can compensate for this act of gravity is to ensure that I keep my face mobile at all times. You may wish to try this. Try to keep a broad smile on your face at all times, or act surprised at everything anyone says to you. Alternatively, you could try a radical new treatment which involves soaking your head in warm water for nine months, coming up occasionally for a breath of fresh air, until your skull feels slightly spongy to the touch. Then get a friend to gently tap your head into the desired shape using a leather mallet. I know that it will probably be a bit embarrassing asking a friend to do this for you, but the alternative is that you try to do it yourself and it is so easy to make a mistake that way. One wrong tap and you could push your head in an entirely new direction.