thicko

I am thicko. I have just discovered that margueritas are spelt margaritas and everyone is too polite to tell me. I am burning with shame.

We also have a comment from someone calling himself Mr Machete' saying that the blog of truth is returning. The horror! I hope he does start it back up again and this time the comments aren't too nasty. I haven't quite forgotten being called a baby murderer by a crazy 'christian' type. To be fair, this person did repent of his nastiness, but I imagine he always thought of me as the type to shoot little children in their pushchairs, with a big gay loving gun hidden under my burkha.

Now, I don't consider myself a fag hag, as I'm very wary of people who want to be friends with others based on sexuality, race etc. I like to think that our chums are all lovely people with an evil sense of humour and that's the sole criteria for me. Some of our friends are gay and some aren't. That's that. However, I do find myself desperately, haggishly wanting to be chums one of the Fab Five men (US not UK). They are all just lovely. There's Carson, very funny with an underlying bitterness; Jai, so cute and energetic; Ted, who never quite gets the food and drink right; Kyan, eyes a little too close for true beauty and saddled with the boring job of being a shaving guru and my very favourite, Thom. I don't know why I adore Thom so much. I don't want to have his babies or anything vile like that, I haven't googled him to find out any more information about him, I don't even watch every show. It's bizarre, but I just love him.

Pages tip

I love this app more and each day, especially now that I have been inspired by David TEFL Smiler to do a really fancy CV using one of the template. Little devil that he is, he's not using the CV template, oh no, he's using one of the journal templates, and by golly it looks good. Anyway, by accident I discovered that you can roll through the documents that you have open by pressing OPTION + ~ keys. Very useful.

happy birthday Norah

It's Norah's birthday today. She has a special place in our hearts. She was the first person to comment on our site, and she was the first person we decided wasn't a nutter, so it probably was safe to give her our address so she could send us a lovely postcard. Norah had a bit of sadness in her life recently, but I hope she has a great day, and that the strawberry cake tastes good.

post it

Say your partner had a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, wouldn't you like to know what they might hope to get? For example, your partner might be interested in a little light reading such as Sharon and my mother in law, The Spiral Staircase ( I read Through the Narrow Gate many years ago and wondered what happened afterwards) and My Life in Orange. Perhaps they might like the new Ian McEwan? It just seems so tacky to leave 'I want..." post it notes lying around. Let's hope that our loved ones find a way to communicate their wishes to us and still leave us with an element of surprise.

going east

I have been very adventurous and left the house today for the first time since Monday night. I am now completely exhausted and recuperating with a slushy marguerita, courtesy of Mr McMuffin. He has been very accommodating and has agreed to travel to Poland by train. I often go to this site and dream of elegant journeys around Europe. So much more civilised than nasty, sweaty planes.

this going too far

I have just received the most amazing unsolicited email:

The Tsunamis that swept across the Indian Ocean recently killed more than 200,000 people and left millions more injured and homeless. In response to this crisis, The Five Continent Children Charity Solidarity Foundation is making efforts to collect donation for the vital task of mid- and long-term relief and reconstruction in India, Indonesia, Sri Lanka,Thailand and Somalia. To make a contribution to the Tsunami Fund online please visit our website at www.5cc.org.

Regards.

Jerry Williams

PS. The Five Continent Children Charity Solidarity Foundation will appreciate if you forward this message to at least ten people.

I just had to visit their site. They claim to be:

"...an international, non-profit orientated, independent charity organisation, non-political and without any religious affiliation, registered in The Hague, The Netherlands (Registration no. 27267127). The founding members are a Dutch, with African roots, an Indian as well as a German, spending most of his time in Africa and Asia."

It gets better than that. It looks to me as they are offering children for sale to paedophiles:

"You are invited to meet a child on a one-to-one basis. You will be provided with a photo and the background of your sponsored child. You will be in a position to communicate with your child directly, or through us, and you are free to visit your child any time you like, with our assistance, if you wish."

There doesn't appear to be anything that I can do about this. I've checked out the police and the Internet Watch Foundation but there doesn't seem to be anything they can do either.

Anyone know how to easily f**k up their site?

UPDATE: They claim to take their money through WorldPay, a division of the Bank of Scotland. I've written to the Bank of Scotland to see if they can do anything. I've also written to Google to see if they can take them off their search results.

an update on pages

I thought you might like to know that I love Pages. It doesn't do all the things that I would want from it. For example it doesn't have mail merge, integration with the address book, auto-correction or any reviewing tools, but it is lovely to use. So, I've made the leap and have set it up as the default application for opening all of my Word documents. I'll let you know how it goes.

By the way, I've worked out how to change the formating of the default blank template. It's not that difficult. I've already posted this as a comment over at TEFL Smiler but I was so pleased with myself that I thought it was worth repeating.

Here's how you can set up the default blank template to look like anything you want. You can do this with any of the other templates too.

Create your document. Format just the way you want it to look. Save it to your desktop as a template called Blank (making sure that the extension is not hidden). Then find your Pages application and Ctrl click on it:

select 'show package contents' > open 'contents' > open 'resources' > open 'English Iproj' > open 'templates' > open 'ISO' > open 'Blank' (this is were the blank template is stored)

Drag the template you created and saved onto the desktop into the Blank folder. Accept the option to overwrite the older template.

That's it.

PS Did you know that you can create multiple inspector panels by ALT clicking on the icon?

breaking the waves

Well, we managed to watch 33 minutes of it before giving up to have a fag and listen to some Jethro Tull. Mrs McMuffin, a keen advocate of women's rights. kept shouting at the TV "why the hell don't you just slap her?" We've decided to watch Near Dark instead. Nothing like a bit(e) of vampire mayhem to cheer you up.

hello...

Is there anybody out there?

blog drivel

Inspired by the incredible Spanglemonkey, who writes so beautifully, I have attempted to put together my own post title poetry. Basically, you take all your post titles, grab a few and in my case create a load of bollocks. Here is:

Shadowkissing

I forgot to mention
I don't believe in Brenna
Angel no more

Do you remember
Mariah Carey on flies and death?
Does this make sense?

Maybe the Mormons are right
If Jesus is my friend
We are hardly evil at all.

All part of the service, sir,
This is not how we celebrate our love.

Mystic River is polluted
The room of my shame, my latest obsession.
Women died for this, you know.

I am transformed
You are saved
Wyoming is dead to me.

It's certainly taken my mind off the BOWWDNS and the chaos that I shall return to on Monday. (Bugger, this is me Mrs McMuffin, should have logged on in my name).

14 men and me in a room alone...what were they thinking of?

I'm back. That was a hard couple of days. I just wish I had prepared well in advance instead of leaving it to the last minute. I still had to finish off today's programme last night. I am exhausted. All I can say is I don't know what I would have done without Mrs McMuffin's help. She is a planning and exercising queen. The funny thing is that some of the feedback comments on how relaxed I was (!) they obliviously couldn't see the frantic paddling. The days went really well, although I could probably have managed things a little better. Fortunately, I'll have the opportunity to do that as the agency wants me back, which is nice. More importantly, and to hell with the participants, or my playthings as I like to call them, I had a great time. I really enjoyed the range of experience in the group and, at times, heated debate. I have to admit that at times I did begin to lose the structure because I was enjoying what was going on. Thank God (I wonder why I alway capitalise GOD? I don't believe or anything, but I guess it is respectful of the people that do. Who know?) I only have to go to therapy in the morning, and then I have the rest of the day off.

We're going to watch Fahrenheit 911 tonight, although I have been complaining that this is 'so yesterday'.

I've just received an email telling me that I have won 1,000,000 Euros. I don't why, but I think this one looks like it is genuine. I have to go now because I have to give them my bank account details. Before I go, however, The Libertines, how could I have missed this band? (don't bother, I know why, I couldn't be bothered with all the glamour drug use. All I have to say at the moment is that they're, like, Stone Roses good!

blogging has not been heavy

Mr McMuffin has been adjusting his course materials (ooh er, vicar) and I have been floored by the bug of which we do not speak. We haven't forgotten that 'worried' needs our help and we'll get back to her as soon as we can.

silly me

I'm running a two day training course this week, but I didn't use the weekend to prepare for it as I had planned. Instead I now have to fit it around going to work, sleeping, watching TV and so on. I did some work on it last night. I went to bed about 11pm, but woke up a couple of hours later, feeling full awake. I lay for a little while and then decided to get up to do a bit more work. I've ended up staying up all night and I have to go to work in an hour or so. Funny enough I still feel awake, but I am beginning to feel a little fuzzy. Ah well, it's my own fault, but at least I got some preparation done.

good grief again

We had 1059 visitors yesterday, and hardly any of you left a comment. That the second highest number of visitors we have had ever. It looks as if at least half of you (the half who don't usually visit probably) were here to read about iPhoto 5. That was nice.

back to basics

I am pleased to announce that having tried out Political and Personal Problem blogging, I have returned to form. As my incisive political commentary consisted of calling Mr McMuffin names, this is probably a very good thing.

I have shopped, cleaned and changed the bedding on my own again and once more put off the home improvements (in reality basic repairs) that I had idly thought of undertaking. All in all a very ordinary weekend, except that I have an awful confession to make. I bought the Sunday Mail. Not for me, you understand (Mr McMuffin begged me to buy it so that he could have A River Runs Through It on DVD), but what was truly dreadful was that I read it. Amazingly I couldn't find a single story about how Social Workers were undermining the fabric of decent society. We really must try harder.

saddo corner

As you know we have been trialling a new McMuffin service this weekend. We just want to help all the poor sad individuals out there in internet land. Here are a couple of examples of the kind of pleas for our help that we have received this weekend. It is clear that the world really needs us.

Dear Mr and Mrs McMuffin

I am in emotional turmoil. I seem to have fallen in love with the cat. I speak to it now in the way I used to speak to the wife many years ago, and hardly speak to the wife at all. And lately I find any old excuse to go and sleep in the spare room, and take the cat with me. I'm not sure how the law stands these days, but can I possibly divorce the wife and marry the cat?

Yours hopefully

Confused

Mrs McMuffin says:

A marriage should be between equals and marrying a member of another species can never be successful for this very reason. While Mrs Confused may be your superior in many respects, she cannot hope to reach the dizzying heights of Felidae. I ask you to question your new found love for the cat. What are his motives, what is he hoping to achieve? Clearly Mrs Confused is alert to his attempts to take over your home and your bed and has put boundaries in place to adress this, but you seem powerless to resist. The real issue here is control and I am afraid to tell you that you are a mere pawn in this battle. Harsh as it may sound, you need to stop being so spineless, side with your species and 'kick that cat to the kerb'.

Mr McMuffin says:

Strictly speaking it is not illegal to marry your cat, and I'm sure if you shop around you'll find many fine internet ordained ministers who will be only too pleased to carry out the cermony for you both. The only problem I can see is the signing of the register. Correct me if I am wrong, but most of the cats I know cannot write, and if by some chance your cat can write, she is unlikely to be willing to reveal her true secret name. Successful relationships have to be based on trust and the fact that you will never know her real name will become a festering resentment like a throbbing boil on the backside of your relationship.

Dear Auntie and Uncle McMuffin

I am hoping that you can give me some advice on my sideboards. I like having them and I feel naked and wide-faced without them. The problem is, however, that I've never been able to get my sideboards even. This is because my face is not perfectly symmetrical, and I'm sure my ears must be different sizes. They're probably also positioned differently. The result is that I can get my sideboards to look even from the front, with each reaching down to the same part of the ear. However, this results in one sideboard being much longer than the other. Alternatively, I can trim each sideboard to the same length, but then they look wrong from the front, as one of them will always finish higher on my face than the other.

Please help me, as I'm at a loss at what to do. Not having sideboards does not seem like an option, as it would remind me too much of those 1980s mullet or helmet days, and the thought of a return to that nightmare is too much for me to take.

Yours lop-sidedly

Sideboard Man

Mrs McMuffin says:

Your plea for advice has been noted by our ever helpful readers and they have offered some very interesting thoughts. I would certainly recommend surgery to even out your facial asymmetry, but I think there may be a simpler solution. Have you checked the contents of the sideboards? One may contain slightly more cutlery/dinner plates/glasses than the other, causing this imbalance. Why not consider redistributing the contents until the furniture hangs more evenly? Alternatively you may wish to replace the sideboards with something lighter, I hear that nested smoked glass coffee tables are hotly tipped for Autumn/Winter 2005.

Mr McMuffin says:

You poor man, I feel for you. I'm not blessed with symmetrical features either. One side of my face slopes off toward my feet, and the only way I can compensate for this act of gravity is to ensure that I keep my face mobile at all times. You may wish to try this. Try to keep a broad smile on your face at all times, or act surprised at everything anyone says to you. Alternatively, you could try a radical new treatment which involves soaking your head in warm water for nine months, coming up occasionally for a breath of fresh air, until your skull feels slightly spongy to the touch. Then get a friend to gently tap your head into the desired shape using a leather mallet. I know that it will probably be a bit embarrassing asking a friend to do this for you, but the alternative is that you try to do it yourself and it is so easy to make a mistake that way. One wrong tap and you could push your head in an entirely new direction.

pages

Apple have just released a new app called Pages, which is part of their new iWork 05 package. It's difficult to describe what it does easily, but it's a desktop publishing, multi-media presentations, page layout, word processing kind of thing. Fully integrated with the iLife suite of apps, it offers 40 lovely looking templates that can be easily customised to create a huge variety of documents limited only by your imagination. Personally, I wasn't that interested in the templates, all I wanted was an Apple branded word processor and Pages provides me with exactly what I was looking for. A stylish interface offers an amazing array of formating tools as powerful as anything in Word. Although, it is important to note that this isn't meant to be a serious alternative to Word because Pages doesn't include the usual pro editing and collaboration tools found in that programme. That said, this is a simple to use, deceptively powerful, word processor for the rest of us. A very fine app indeed.

There is one problem though. Despite Apple's claims that Pages is able to export to a wide range of industry standard formats, and the export options do look impressive, the sad fact is that it just doesn't work. I am always amazed by our willingness to accept software that doesn't work, and that the developers don't seem to realise that it doesn't work until after they have released the software onto an unsuspecting public only too willing to hand over their money to them. I just can't believe that Apple spent all that money and time on developing Pages, and not once did anyone try to export a document into Word or HTML. The exporting process is straightforward enough, but when it came to opening the document in Word, it was a different story. Word struggled bravely, first of all telling me that the document was corrupted in some way, it then tried to recover the document for me, but eventually gave up the ghost and crashed. The same thing happened each time I tried to open an exported template. To be fair, text documents, those that did not include the fancy Apple template formating and pictures worked just fine. Similar difficulties arose when I tried to export into HTML. For some reason, the formating got lost. I'm sure Apple will fix these problems, but why couldn't they have done that before releasing the app.

Another minor irritant is the poor quality of the app icon. It sits in my dock, an indistinct muddy blue blob. It's hard to tell what it is supposed to be.

Having said all that this is another great app from Apple and one which I think I will get a lot of use out of. It's not quite the more straightforward Word replacement that I was hoping for, but it certainly does everything that I want and more.

iPhoto 5

Apple released iLife 05 today, and I have spent much of the morning playing with iPhoto 5. I'm not sure what changes have been made to the app under the bonnet but it really whizzes through my library of nearly 3500 photos. The new features are fantastic. There are lots of new editing and formating tools. The new slideshow functions are a pleasure to use and make creating slideshows incredibly easy. For me though, the best bit is the way in which Apple has finally allowed us to make use of their fantastic database app to store our movies. Most digital cameras these days can make little movies. I had a whole load of these on my Mac wondering what to do with them. I tried a couple of apps over the last few months from developers who saw the gap in the market, but they just weren't smooth enough. Well, iPhoto 5 imports them along with the photos and a double click will play them in Quicktime player. Just what I was looking for. The sad irony is that I had found the perfect app for managing my movies. I found it just last week, just after I had heard about this new feature in iPhoto. It's called MovieGallery and it is a great little app. I would have bought it, but for Apple and their damn fine software. I would give iPhoto 4½/5 (I just wish I could sort my photos according to their size). This is easily the finest software in the world for organising photographs. Buy it now, or if you're a Windows users buy yourself a new iMac G5 and get it for free.

it's been a funny day...

For some reason that I still haven't worked out, we haven't been able to get on the internet properly today. We seemed to have some kind of connection but every page we tried to load eventually timed out. At first I just assumed it was Typepad doing the work they promised over this weekend, and then I decided it must be Apple doing some work. I finally decided that my ISP must be having problems. The mystery is that the router reported that everything was okay. Anyway, it's just gone back to normal. The interesting thing is that I had some work today for a training course I'm running next week, but I just couldn't seem to get anything done without an internet connection. When did that happen? When did a lack of an internet connection join the list of reasons for not doing any work? We really are living in the future.

do you feel like this little girl who has been left to hold up the wall while her parents nip down the pub for a quick pint?

I have been in discussions with Retrogirl about the possibilty of writing something for her new internet magazine. I have told her that I have always wanted to be an agony aunt. So, this is like a trial. We will be available for the entire weekend to answer any problem you might have. No problem is too big, or too small. How can we help you? Please note that if possible anything you say to us will be shameless exploited for monetary gain.

politics r us

Yes, we're changing our blog name to mcmuffinpundit.

By the way the title of the last post was the cry of an elderly gentleman on the march in 1990. He clearly didn't have an expletive left for Thatcher other than this. My sister and friends were so charmed by his insight that they took up the cry themselves. No wonder I went to the pub. By the way, the Police were evil that day and seemed very keen to stir the crowd up. I'm very glad I decided to rest my aching feet and not go to Trafalgar Square, or I might have been trampled by the pretty horsies.

Mr McMuffin has been in discussion with a fellow blogger and now plans to take our blog in a completely different direction over the weekend. That man will do anything for stats. He is such a fitchew.

mrs thatcher is a crocodile...

Iowahawk [Do a Google! He doesn't need the f**king link. No, I'm not jealous, just little bitter.] gets more visitors each week than we do in a year. We've decided that the only way to increase our traffic is to become Political [that's with a capital P because of course the personal is political and we write about that every day...ad nauseam]. Mrs McMuffin has suggested that I tell the world that she was at the anti-poll tax demonstration that ended in riot in 1990. By coincidence I was in London on that day too, although I was yet to meet the loveliness that is Mrs McMuffin. It was probably like a scene out of one of those films, we just kept missing each other during the course of the day. While we both violently disagreed with the poll tax, I must admit that I didn't get much opportunity to crack the nuts of any of the rozzers because I spent most of the riot downstairs in Forbidden Planet on Charing Cross Road looking at comics [if memory serves it was a very reserved riot, in the way that only British riots can be, and that was the first time I bought Dark Night Returns by Frank Miller, what a great comic book that is!]. Imagine my surprise when I surfaced to find that the streets were deserted, strewn with rubbish and a Tesco's shopping cart [where did that come from?]. Mrs McMuffin, on the other hand, was in the thick of the demonstration until she met an old college chum and they decided to go the pub for a drink. It saddens me to report that she too missed the riot. It would be another two years before I met Mrs McMuffin in the flesh. She would be gagging for me for a couple of more years...damn that personal stuff.

Update: Mrs McMuffin and I have just had a heated debate about the poll tax riots and the way in which it influenced my decision to denounce Communism and accept Consumerism. She just called me a class traitor.

good grief

I've just been checking our stats. Why did 1209 people visit our blog on 12 January 2005? That's nearly twice as many people as any other day. That is strange.

what are they thinking of?

Single Cookie, Gypsy Tart and Rock Cake have just this second invited us to the pub. It's ten past ten on a school night. Are they mad?

white trash...not i

I am 2% White Trash.

I, my friend, am truly lovely and have real class. I am so not white trash, not like that Steve fella who is so white trash he doesn't even realise it. I more than likely vote Lib Dem, and my place is stylish and I have a cleaner. I am a good dresser and would never drink wine from a screwtop bottle.

Take the White Trash Test @ FualiDotCom

I just knew I shouldn't have slept with my mother's boyfriend. Damn.

fickle heart

I just found a best of Sniff 'n' The Tears. I was introduced to them in 1980 shortly after I came down to England from the windswept Orkney Isles to train to be a silversmith. For some strange reason someone at the college decided that I should share a room with another Scottish boy. I think they had some idea that because we were both Scottish we would get on well. They were right. We got on very well, and he introduced me to Sniff 'n' The Tear's album Fickle Heart which has one of my all time favourite songs: Driver's Seat. I can't believe that it's 25 years since I used to lie on my bed listening to this song with the volume at full blast, wondering if I would get through the entire song before the neighbour banged on the wall to complain about the noise. I used to love the album cover too. All of the band's album covers were based around paintings by the lead singer, lead guitarist and song writer, Paul Roberts. There is something about the little stories that he tells in the paintings that always got me thinking.

did i tell you that...

Mrs McMuffin very kindly pointed out to me on Monday night that Luna are breaking up and they are playing their last ever gig in the UK on...Monday night. That was nice.

the one in which i recount a slightly surreal experience

A conversation I had on the telephone yesterday:

me: I need to see the child...bring her to my office now...
client: you're not a social worker!
me: I don't understand, what do you mean?
client: you're not a social worker
me: I am a social worker, I just told you that I was, what do you mean?
client: you're NOT a social worker!
me: I am
client: you're not a social worker, not with that attitude...

Later...

me: are you ready, my number is 555 4323 7890
client: that's not the right number!
me: what do you mean?
client: that not right
me: I don't understand what you mean
client: that's not the main social services number
me: no, it's my direct line
client: oh, I see...

don't even bother...

You can't afford me...Anyway, I'm Mrs McMuffin's whether she wants to pay for me or not.

all together...i've got soul but i'm not a soldier...i've got soul but i'm not a soldier...

Two great albums in two days. This must be some kind of record. I have been listening to The Killers album Hot Fuss all day. The Killers are an anglophile band from Las Vegas. Apparently they even go so far as to put on English accents. Now, that is very, very sad, but I can forgive them because their music is so good. It's a curious mixture of every British band you can think of from the late 70s and early 80s. All these thing that I've done is probably my favourite track on the album, but there really isn't a duff track on it. I deny anyone not to spend the rest of the day humming the break once they've heard it.

come and get him

My ancient post about mail order husbands yields regular comments that make me chuckle. I think that this is the newest and the best:

Hello Mrs McMuffin. We were wondering if you had any pictures of Mr McMuffin as we were thinking of purchasing him. Thanks.

Yes, ladies (and gentlemen), with a little more interest, I would be prepared to auction Mr McMuffin on ebay. My reserve is fairly high, as despite his sprout serving mistake tonight and unwillingness to change bedding, he is generally a very good husband and though not tidy, is clean.

smells like...

...cat poo. That's what I thought when I walked in to the house this evening. Turns out that Mr McMuffin was cooking sprouts. I'm not sure what smells worse, but I know which I'd rather clean up off the floor.

We're watching Gosford Park in three parts, with part two tonight. It's another of those DVD's I bought ages ago and never got round to watching. I am not the biggest Altman fan, but I love this film and I hope the ending doesn't let it down.

If anyone can work out how to connect the last two paragraphs, please let me know. 'I hope the ending doesn't let it down...like sprouts', doesn't really work, does it?

the best british band

I love the fact that I am 43 years old and I still get excited about new bands. My mum and dad always seemed old when I was growing up. I know they had six kids by the time they were thirty, but that doesn't explain why they liked music from the war, or why they never seemed to like any modern bands. I grew up thinking that the only music in the world was country tinged or Frank Sinatra. I have been very excited today. I have discovered a new band: The Futureheads. I have been listening to them all day. This is what Q Magazine had to say about them (I have to admit that if Q has given them space then they can't be all that new):

"What do you get if you cross The Jam, Gang of Four, a barbershop quartet and a Sunderland accent? The Futureheads answered a question nobody was asking by making one of the most stunningly original debut albums of recent years. Just out of their teens and joyously adventurous, they ripped through Britain's new slew of punky garage types and instantly found their own noise: a spiky, exhilarating mixture of a youth club band taking the piss out of their mates and a group of arty sophisticates ripping up the art-punk rulebook."

This is a band who wear their influences on their sleeve, but only in a good way. The Sunderland accent is a strange thing. I thought they sounded a bit Scottish, but Mrs McMuffin thought they sounded Welsh (although, if the truth be told, she is forever claiming famous people for Wales. Did you know that David Bowie is from Wales?). Here are a couple of tracks from the album: Danger of the water and a fantastic cover version of Kate Bush's Hounds of love.

oh dear, we're all going to die

I made the mistake of watching a BBC Horizon programme last night, and now my head is filled with cataclysmic images. It appears that scientists have miscalcuted the rate at which green house gases are warming the planet. Apparently the planet has been kept cool by Global Dimming caused by pollution particles in the clouds. They are fairly certain that GD is responsible for the failure of the African rains in the 70s and 80s, during which millions of people died. It really is a small world. If we in the west continue to pollute our skies, people in Africa die. The problem now is that if we significantly reduce the amount of pollutants we are pumping into our skies, reducing GD, the planet warms up faster, with disasterous consequences for everyone. I've seen lots of programmes like this over the years, and I have always taken them with a pinch of salt. I guess what was scary about this programme was that they weren't talking about climate changes over hundreds of years. They argued that in as little as 25 years the damage to the environment could be irreversible. There just is no getting away from the fact that this will affect me and not just faceless generations at some point in the future.

pick up sticks

I'm finally ready to pick up the stick Mr McMuffin dropped for me. I was just thinking about the songs I'd picked, from different bits of my life and it struck me that I was sitting at home on a Saturday night. Now this isn't at all unusual for us, but it used to be for me and I really like it. Staying in is great, it means there's nowhere else you'd rather be, or you'd have been there (unless you're trapped by finances or held prisoner of course). Here are the songs I picked yesterday, all men and all under the category 'S' (in my head at least). I could easily find five other songs I love as much as these today, tomorrow and every day.

My first song is Hammering the cramps by Sparklehorse. This reminds me of 1996. Mr McMuffin and I had been busy buying up catering sized packs of rice, washing powder and everything else we needed for a year. We'd both decided to return to college/university (whatever you call it) and we'd worked out that my bursary wouldn't even cover the rent and we didn't have any savings. Fortunately Mr McMuffin had course credits so only needed to spend a year in education, but my MA had to be a two year course. I had been pissed off with Mr McMuffin for buying cd's when we were supposed to be saving, but I loved vivadixiesubmarinetransmissionplot so much that I forgave him. We've seen Mark Linkous a few times and I've never been disappointed. Couldn't get him to play at our wedding though. As I was trying to sneak backstage to ask him, Gypsy Tart inadvertently drew the attention of the security to me and I had to pretend that I was trying to find the toilets.

My second is Goodbye Toulouse by The Stranglers. I loved them despite their faults. Never saw them live, how was I to know that they'd get crap and Hugh would leave?

My third is Fire in my heart by Super Furry Animals, the 'romantic' song played after we'd signed the register at our wedding.

My fourth isWhat she said by The Smiths. I grew up in the 80's, you had to love The Smiths, it was the law.

My fifth is A change is gonna come by Sam Cooke. No explanation needed, its genius speaks for itself.

The last song I listened to was by David Bowie, can't remember which one, as Mr McMuffin has been playing him all day. I have no idea of the last album I bought, sad to say it was some time ago, but the last one given to me was by Goldie Lookin' Chain and I've hardly listened to it. Sad.

I've decide not to throw a stick to anyone, but to request that anyone who reads this and hasn't picked up this particular stick, does so if they wish and lets me know

amazing...and very useful

I have just found out that I can save and organise my pdfs in iTunes. This probably won't mean a lot to PC users, although the Windows version of iTunes allows them to do the same, because they tend not to use pdfs in the same way as Mac users. OSX graphics are based on pdf technology and the ability to save documents as pdf is built into the system. I use pdfs a lot, but until now they've just sat in a folder along with other documents. Storing them in iTunes will allow me to tag the documents and to set up smart playlists. When you click on the pdf it opens in Preview, or Acrobat Reader. Now, that is very cool. I found out about this great feature at macOSXhints.

down our street again

Mr McMuffin and I have been quite upset about the whole Brad and Jen thing. We feel a bit bad about how we exposed Jen's strange behaviour to the world. Steve told us off at the time and he was right, although a bit of a hypocrite as it turns out. I just want to say that Jen hasn't ever behaved like this since and we've grown to value her as a neighbour.

We were really shocked the other day when she turned up on our doorstep with her matching Louis Vuitton luggage containing only a pair of flip flops, a jumper, trousers, pants and a toothbrush. Apparently Brad hadn't let her take any of her other stuff and said she wasn't going to get the house either. She's put an offer in for that Will Self's two bedroom terrace at number 83 and is staying with Gypsy Tart until the sale goes through. Gypsy Tart's been enjoying her company, as it gives her an excuse to open a bottle of wine on a week night, not that she really needs that much of an excuse, and sit up talking with Jen until the early hours about what bastards men can be. Rock Cake is in a bit of a dilemma though, as he often goes kayaking with Brad and they're quite good chums in that male extreme sport wanna die young and goodlooking kind of way. He's not enjoying hearing Jen's stories as it makes him want to take her side, even though she's being really fair to Brad.

Anyway, there are some positives. Jen's really excited about her new place, as Brad used to drive her nuts with his ramblings about architecture and his obsession with design in the home. She's planning to nip to IKEA and Habitat and get a few things and not have to worry about the clean lines Brad always wiffled about. We're getting her a nice terracotta window box with her house number on it for her housewarming and I know she'll be over the moon. She's a nice girl and I'm really glad she's staying down our street.

I had a bit of a debate with Mr McMuffin over this post, as I wanted to delete it and he thought it should stay up. I chuckled to myself as I wrote it and then as time has gone on have felt a bit bad about it, I don't think it's funny. I will never know Brad and Jen, but they don't seem horrible and it doesn't quite seem right to mock the end of their marriage. Anyway, anyone reading this who actually knows me will be shocked at my remorse for mockery. I don't know what's happened to me, I seem to be growing a conscience. [...and losing your sense of humour. Edited by Mr McMuffin]

a stick

Jo Counting Sheep has thrown me a stick because she was thrown one by Madame Finistere. It amazing how many of these meme type things come my way. Although this is the first time that someone has thrown me a stick, and if I tell the truth, this is probably one of only a few that I have really enjoyed. Here we go:

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

71.19GB (19449 songs: 54 days 4 hours 9 minutes and 57 seconds of music)

The cd you last bought is:

New England by New England

What was the song you last listened to before reading this message?

Wasted Time by Kings of Leon

Write down 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

Bobby Peru by Luna
Doctor my eyes by Jackson Browne
Change your mind by Neil Young (most of his stuff, really)
Young Americans by David Bowie (most of his stuff too)
Getting away with it (all messed up) by James

Who are you going to pass this stick to? (three people) and why?

Steve Carrot because he likes music, and I'm sure if we lived closer we'd be swapping albums all the time David TEFLSmiler because he likes music and has an open mind Mrs McMuffin because she likes music too, but it will be very different from my stuff

i only have good news

Apple are planning on opening a new store in Bluewater later this year. They are advertising for workers right now. Having an Apple Store so close may spell doom for my finances but on the bright side this may be the change in career that I have been looking for. I would just love to have the job title Mac Genius.

bring the love

We seem to have brought Kate and Eric together, not sure how, but here is a testimonial:

Mail Order husbands rock!!!...im so glad i found eric..we will be happily
married forever!...thank you mr and mrs mcmuffin!!!
katy and eric forever!!!!

Am not sure how long our marriage will last if Mr McMufin continues his annoying habit of washing a load of clothes, but only drying a pair of his trousers, leaving everything else in the washing machine for me to sort out. However, I have my revenge. We have just found out that we have already seen the episode of 'Desperate Housewives' that we had been looking forward to watching, so I have commandeered the TV for 'America's Next Top Model'. Mr McMuffin loathes this show so much, that he will be forced to spend his time searching the internet for more Mac products he can't have and wishing we were rich. Poor man.

that's that then

I did my first full days work in my new job today. My journey to work was probably the best, and certainly the shortest, one I have had in about six years, which was nice. The job is okay.

i need...

I want an iPod shuffle too.

look what they've done

I just can't believe how beautiful the new Mac mini is. It's tiny, only 6½"x6½"x2", with all the features you'd expect in a modern computer, and only costs $499. I really, really, really must have one now. I'm not sure what I would use it for, but the idea of setting it up as a PVR with email etc immediately occured to me. In fact, I have just found this site which has immediately seen the potential of the headless unit.

what a week

Have I told you that I got a new job? I managed only four days of unemployment and while it was a relief to get a job, I really wished I could have more time off. Ah well, I started work yesterday, and, without giving away where we live, there were huge problems on the road, and it took me three hours to get to work. At one point I noticed that I had travelled two miles in two hours. Even I could have walked it faster than that, only I can't walk this particular route. The AA site says that this is a 7.8 mile journey and should take me 11 minutes. I was 2½ hours late for work on my first day. That was a great start to my new job, but it only gets better. Today I set off, but turned back after only 30 minutes because the traffic was just the same and I couldn't bear the idea of spending all that time stuck in traffic with all those incredibly stupid people who feel good that they have moved forward a couple inches at the expense of blocking the exit of a couple of hundred other road users. Anyway, I have had a very relaxing day. Played on the computer for a couple of hours, then dozed for the rest of the day in front of the TV watching Celebrity Big Brother. Slinky was in cat heaven. He melted over me and insisted on breathing his fishy breath into my face [why do cats have fishy breath even when they never eat fish?]. Back to CBB. I was determined not to watch it, but it has got me hooked. I was amazed to see that Jackie Stallone joined the group today. Now, she really is nuts!

incredible

We went to see the Incredibles today (and White Noise-really not as bad as the critics say and in some parts very scary). I really liked it, but didn't understand why feisty Elastogirl, who didn't want to leave saving the world to men, so readily changed her name to Mrs Incredible. I suppose The Incredible-Elastogirl Family would have been too long a title. I also thought it interesting that the complaint of the right wing, that socialism spits on individual accomplishment and wants 'us all to be the same' was stated by a little boy and the baddy, not the grown ups. Anyway, it was great entertainment and that's coming from someone who doesn't really like watching animation.

theatre of abuse - an experiment

“They swear so much that eventually you realize what they’re trying to say beneath it — ‘I love you, I’m lonely, help me.’” [Stewart Lee, co-writer of Jerry Springer, The Opera]

This is a play what I wrote.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

SETTING: A kitchen. The man and woman are sitting facing each other over a table.

Man: fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you...fuck you, fuck you fuck you

Woman: fuck you

Man: fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

Woman: ...fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you fuck you.

Man: fuck you...fuck you fuck you

Woman: fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Man: fuck you...

DIRECTION: Man exits stage right.

that is very odd

If you google Nick Gilder then you will find that we come top of the list. Who'd have thought that we would become a tiny beacon of hope for all those Nick Gilder fans out there. It's been a long, hard, 30 years, but finally someone remembers him. Maybe I should set up a fan site. The only problem is that I know nothing about him. I am not even too sure what he looks like, and that would be a very poor start for any obsessive fan.

UPDATE: Good grief! It turns out that you can still buy three of his albums on Amazon. Will it never end? I also found a picture of him.

just sitting here

Getting drunk on margaritas with Ms Gypsy Tart and Mr Rock Cake, who, by the way has bought himself a 3.2MP water proof camera for £100! We have made up a batch using Ms Gypsy Tart's juicer thing to make more lime juice than I know what to do with. In fact, I have made two litres, one we have drank and one I've put in the freezer for tomorrow. I just want to say that I hate Ms Single Cookie for introducing me to this terrible drink. Although she would be appalled to hear that I used cointreau instead of triplesec. Still tastes good though. I love alcohol. Is that wrong? Mrs McMuffin seems to think so.

needy not greedy

I am very reluctant to give into the bug that's doing the rounds at work as I want to revile those who do as weaklings. Sadly, I have found myself syptomatic so have allotted myself a sick day to recover. I have attempted to cure myself through drinking coffee, eating herring and tomatoes, and generally mooning about wanting Mr McMuffin to feel sorry for me (he doesn't). I shall now invoke the healing power of film and am going to watch 'City of God' for the first time, despite having owned it for months.

Mr McMuffin bought The Hulk and Dark City on DVD yesterday, without realising that they both contain the appalling actress, Jennifer Connelly in current haggard and previously curvy format. I'm sure she's a very nice person, but I don't trust a healthy woman who changes shape so dramatically as an adult. What was so broke it needed fixing?

PS I didn't write the last two posts, Mr McMuffin seems to be masquerading as me!

Update: Mr McMuffin and Gypsy Tart have become obsessed with Margueritas thanks to Single Cookie and have formed a marguerita making factory in the kitchen. They reason that lime juice contains lots of vitamin C so I should drink a couple for health reasons, freaks! By the way, if you haven't seen it, go watch City of God, it's very, very good.

harvesting the past

Over the last year or so I have managed to track down almost all of the music that I have owned at various times over the years. Tonight, I found some Tourists tracks and the Nick Guilder album. I am only missing an album by a group called Spider. Holly Knight, who went on to have a celebrated career as a jobbing rock songwriter, was the lead singer. If memory serves, she left after a couple of albums and the band faded away. I only want their first album. I can't even remember a single song on it. I only remember that it was some kind of rock music and I liked it when I was about 18 or 19 years old. I can't think of anything else that I want. What now?

a special treat

I've found an album I used to love when I was 18 years old. Nick Guilder had a couple of hits in the US towards the end of the 1970s. He had his biggest hit in 1978 with Hot Child in the City from the album City Nights. Now after all these years it sounds a bit thin and sad, although as I am listening to it I think it still has some charm. Unfortunately I can't provide you with lots of links, because his music doesn't seem to be legally available anymore, and he doesn't seem to have any obsessive fans. It looks like it's up to me to carry the torch. I wonder what happened to him.

warning, more catblogging and worn out thoughts about tv complaints

Slinky has really taken to his radiator sling bed. He was most unsure until I put his little blankie on it and settled him down. He is now overwhelmed by favourite spots and I've seen him moving between our bed, the cushion upstairs next to the radiator, our laps and his new sling with a happy look on his face all night. Last night he was so content, he sat in his little sling purring away to himself for about an hour. Aah.

If only the US inspired 'Christian' organisations were as happy. Instead of giving succour to the poor and doing good deeds, a few of them are campaigning vociferously for Jerry Springer, the Opera not to be shown on BBC2 tomorrow. Apparently it contains swearing and blasphemy so they burnt their TV licenses. I hate to be so obvious, but why don't they just not watch it? I'm sure there are people who find 'Songs of Praise' offensive, but at least they have the grace to keep it to themselves. Anyway, Gypsy Tart saw the show on stage and didn't return a Satanist, so it can't be that evil, as she is very easily influenced. She didn't rate it that highly either. Now I can't wait to watch the damn thing now to decide for myself, such is the influence of the so called 'Christians' on me.

more statswhoring

I've found this great app called Advanced Web Ranking 3.5. I downloaded a trial version and to my surprise discovered that the McMuffins are the number one site in the whole wide world, sort of. I searched across a range of well known search engines, although I only entered one keyword: mcmuffin. We came up tops on all the engines except for Ask Jeeves, who for some reason put McDonalds (who are they?) ahead of us. You can look at a summary of our ranking by clicking here. You can also have a look at the top sites in the ranking wars by clicking here. Both documents are in PDF. I wonder if McDonalds would like to pay us lots of money to advertise on our site?

personal review of today

A new job. Margaritas (I think I have become addicted, but who knew that 10 limes gave so little juice. I had to supplement it with orange and lemon juice. Very nice.) Had some wine too, and half of Ms Gypsy Tart's dinner, which she foolishly brought to our house. Feeling a bit drunk. Agreed to see two films on Sunday with Mr Rock Cake and Ms Gypsy Tart. We are going to see Garden State then a quick drive over to the next town to do some late shopping and have something to eat before seeing The Incredibles (We have finally persuaded Mrs McMuffin that this is a film worth seeing.) Now that is my kind of a day.

slinky relaxing on his new bed

had a lovely afternoon

Ms Gypsy Tart skivved off work today, and we went to the cinema. We both wanted to see The Aviator but decided against sitting down for nearly three hours without a fag break. In the end we went to see National Treasure. We thought it was going to be a bit of trash, which it was, but good trash. It was much better than I had hoped it would be. The only problem I had with it was Nicolas Cage, who puts on a funny voice when he wants to sound clever. Why does he do that? After the film, she took me to some cheap shops and I bought a fleece covered seat for Slinky that slips over the top of the radiator. He has taken to it straight away, and has spent the evening lounging on it. He looks very cute.

in threes

I'm not very superstitious, but you have to wonder. Since the demise of the boiler, we have also lost our faithful friend the kettle and our machine of joy, the dishwasher. We've replaced the kettle and the boiler, but the dishwasher will have to wait until Mr McMuffin is employed.

So Mr McMuffin has lost his job, I have lost most of my original staff team (out of 10 there are three of us left) due to sickness and death and the third work related thing can just sod off, is this not bad enough?

We've also had the tsunami, I think that counts as one, two and three for everything for a long, long, time.

get me a knife...

...I'll finish her off myself. I actually said this to Mr McMuffin near the end of House of Flying Daggers when one character took a little too long to die and I really did mean it. The film was a disappointment and yet it started so well.

personal review of 2004 (mrs mcmuffin)

I'm sorry, I just had to delete my last post. While the internet is indeed a place for the obsessed, my obsession with clean bedding does not need to be fed any further. I would just like to point out though, that if Mr McMuffin changed the bedding twice in 2004, who do you think changed it the other 50 times?

My review of 2004, is that it was a bit of a curate's egg. The good parts involved time spent with friends and family, Rome, Madeira, Mr McMuffin smiling again and discovering that the bloggers we met were are charming as their blogs and didn't have any intention of murdering us, which was nice.

I have decided that 2005 will be a time of transformation. I shall turn around the disaster that is my job, I shall make the House of Shame worthy of World of Interiors, I'm going to get healthier and have more haircuts, I'll remember birthdays before the actual day and I am going to stop saying fuck (and versions of this word) more than thirty times a day. I shall join my powers to Mr McMuffin's, in the interests of world domination and we shall base our headquarters in Wyoming. Easy peasy.

pineapple upside-down cake

Mrs Carrot Cake and I have challenged ourselves to produce a retro meal next time we eat together. I'm going for three courses based on popular dishes from the 1970s. I'm going to start with prawn cocktail, then we'll have steak garni and chips. I was going to do a black forest gâteau for pudding, but Mrs Carrot Cake is determined to sabotage my best efforts. When I told her what I was making for pudding, she turned up her nose, and told me that she didn't like creamy squishy cakes. Fortunately, I found this recipe for a slight update on pineapple upside-down cake. When I told her what I planned to make she revealed that she hates pineapple. At this rate we are going to be having tinned fruit cocktail and condensed milk.

Anyway, I thought I would post this recipe for pineapple upside-down cake because I've made it twice now and it goes down a treat. It is simply irrisistably, unless you are Mrs Carrot Cake, of course. I found it in a cooking magazine a couple of months ago. I can't remember which mag, because I cut the page out and threw away the mag. It was probably the BBC Good Food magazine. The first time I made the cakes I used undyed organic glace cherries, but a cake like this just screams out for unnaturally bright red cherries. They're little beacons in a sea of caramel loveliness. I'm not convinced about the cooking times. I put them in the oven the first time and forgot about them. They probably cooked for about 35 mins. The second time I made them I cooked them for 20 mins but they were still a bit soft in the middle. In fact, when I upturned one onto a plate, it just splodged all over the plate. I put the cakes back in for another 10 mins. I just can't seem to get them looking like the photo. They come out a lovely golden brown with crispy carmelised bits, but absolutely no sauce. It all seems to soak into the cake mixture. Mmm, makes me hungry just thinking about it.

Here's the recipe:

For the topping

100g/4oz butter
100g/4oz light muscovado sugar
2 tbsp dark rum
432g can pineapple rings, drained
6 glace cherries

For the cake

50g/2oz unsweetened desiccated coconut
100g/4oz butter
200g/8oz caster sugar
3 large eggs
175g/6oz plain flour
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp vanilla extract
125ml/4fl oz milk

Heat oven to 180C/fan160C/gas 4 and butter six 200ml ramekin dishes. To make the topping, put the butter, sugar and rum in a saucepan and cook for a couple of mins until the sugar has melted. Carefully pour a little of the mixture into the bottom of each ramekin, then place a pineapple slice with a cherry inside on top.

To make the cake, cook the coconut over a gentle heat, stirring often until it begins to turn light golden brown, then remove from the heat and leave to cool. Mix together all the remaining cake ingredients until they're well combined. Spoon over the pineapple slices, place the ramekins on a baking tray and cook in the oven for 20 mins until well risen. Turn out and serve with cream or custard if you like.

UPDATE: Mrs McMuffin has just told me that Mrs Carrot Cake hates tinned fruit cocktail, so now I don't even have that to fall back on.

personal review of 2004

In no particular order:

Didn't write my dissertation. Acquired 74 albums released in 2004. Went to Rome and threw a coin in the Trevi Fountain. Put on 14lbs in weight. Lost my job. Sold a hair from my chinny chin chin on eBay. Went to my brother's wedding in July. Haven't spoken to my brother since July. Found a new job. Went to Madeira for the fourth time. Met David TEFLSmiler. Met Kirsty Boblog. Met Iowahawk. Finally learned how to spell Iowa. Lost 7lbs in weight. Disenfranchised Wyoming. Finally worked out how to fully customise TypePad HTML. No further forward with my plans for world domination. Transformed the room of shame into the white room Drank approximately 250 bottles of red wine, 20 bottles of white wine, 10 bottles of pudding wine, 2 bottles of Amereto (and another couple of bottles of various liqueurs and spirits) 8 pints of bitter, 45 gallons of tea (milk but no sugar), 145 gallons of coffee (black, instant, expresso and cafetiere)... Ate 68 lbs of chocolate. Smoked 10950 cigarettes. Put on 7lbs in weight. Listened to music on my iPod every single day. Became very depressed. Had 80 hours of psychotherapy. Have come out of depression. Got very drunk on a least two occasions (I thought I was past that). Saw around 900 films, both new and old. Read 9 novels, mostly SF (hardly read any novels since I started my psychotherapy training). Read 45 Mac magazines from cover to cover, adverts and all, twice. Spent about 1500 hours playing on the computer. Ate out 3 times, apart from holidays (why eat out when I cook so much better than they do). Filled the dishwasher at least 300 times. Became a statswhore. Emptied the dishwasher at least 120 times. Rewashed dishes in the dishwasher at least 50 times. Changed bedding at least twice. Wiped up Slinky's poo 6 times. Had my third ariel stolen from car. Slept around 2190 hours. Didn't become independently wealthy. Reestablished diplomatic relations with Wyoming. Still loving Mrs McMuffin. Had around 420 baths or showers. Washed my hair 380 times. Had my hair cut 5 times. Lost 4lbs in weight. Lost my job.

2005

First impressions: cocktails, karaoke, articulate (the grudge match), mafia, party popper battles, fireworks, big poo on bathroom floor by troubled Slinky.