assaulted i was

A client assaulted me the other day. I have been working with people now for 20 odd years, and some of them have been seriously messed up, but yet not one of them has ever tried to hit me. In fact, that's not really true, I was kicked on the sole of my shoe once by a 16 year old boy. He was attempting to provoke me by spraying me with a water pistol, and when I could stand it no more, I jumped up from my chair. I think this gave him more of a scare than he had expected. I suppose he thought I was going to beat him up or something. After he had kicked me and jumped on the waste paper bin, he very quickly calmed down. Believe it or not, I apologised for scaring him, and he apologised for provoking me. He managed to push the bin back into shape, and all was well with the world.

Anyway, I had this meeting with this couple the other day. It lasted no more than five minutes. By the end of it the woman had grabbed me by the throat and threatened "you better watch it, you get yours." Fortunately her paranoid schizophrenic heroin using husband was a bit more together than she was, and he was able to intervene. He pulled her off me and ushered her through the door. The amazing thing about all of this is that just before she leapt on me, she said to her husband, "I don't know why you're bothering, he's not listening to a word you say." Now, without going into all the details, the truth is, although I will deny this to my dying day, I was just thinking, "why the fuck do I have to listen to this? I don't know why I bother."

I didn't bother reporting her to the police. I reckoned that she had enough problems at the moment, and she didn't do me any physical harm. However, I think the real reason I didn't contact the police is that I was feeling too guilty at having provoked her. Although, how was I to know that she was telepathic?

all good things

I have to start the new job on Monday and I have decided that I actually don't want to do this work any more. I want to travel the world by train (first class, of course) looking into other people's back gardens and get paid lots of money to do so. I would also publish a book full of blurry photos taken from the train with short comments, such as 'back garden in Slovakia, you can see chickens'. I might get off the train every now and then to collect new descriptions of cheesy bugs and have a nice meal.

Since Mr McMuffin and I don't have private incomes or a rich benefactor (where are you, I know you're out there) this probably won't happen, but it would be nice if it could. Mr McMuffin is busy redesigning our blog and jolly smart it looks too. I initially thought it was a bit garish, but have been converted by Mr McMuffin's enthusiasm. Us McMuffins are embracing colour in a big way. Mr McMuffin's hoping to unveil it for our first blogiversary, if he can sort out the blogdemon in time.

This is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time, via Spanglemonkey. This kind of thing actually makes me want to have children.

more joys of roy

The Flaming Cheeto has introduced me to the joys of Roy in Clingfilm. This is one of the oddest things I have ever read on the internet, and I've read some strange things over the years. I suppose the most disturbing aspect of the whole project is that there are links to other people writing about it too. It must be infectious because I have been sitting here thinking about publishing my own story. This is just too weird. On second thoughts, if you want to maintain your peace of mind, I wouldn't click on that link. If I was you, I'd have a look at this instead.

so cultured, again

Mr McMuffin didn't seem too interested when I suggested that we go to the cinema tonight, until I told him what I wanted to see. Amazing how the promise of action, big explosions and low quality science fiction can raise his enthusiasm levels all the way up to 11. Yes, and I have no shame in revealing this, we went to see Alien Versus Predator. Fittingly, I have finished The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and am reading a book by Harlan Coben. Much like the film it is utter poo, but good poo.

millionhair soon

I can't believe how rich this little scheme is going to make me. My single hair is now worth 51p. That means that the hairs on my head and beard are now worth about £66,300. I am slightly perturbed to find that Mr Steven Tilly is so desparate to have a little bit of me that he has resorted to bidding against himself. I hope this isn't the start of an unhealthy obsession with all things McMuffin, although it probably means that there is a market for my toenail clippings after all. Joking aside, I am a little bit worried because he knows where I live.

new terror

Who would have thought that danger was lurking on the outside of every fridge? As the list of harmful things approaches infinity, I have found something new to fear, take note of this warning.

On a more reassuring note, this chocolate is gorgeous. Didn't think I'd like it, but I did. Worth every penny and a lot of pennies it was too.

Strange as it sounds, I haven't quite recovered from hearing about John Peel. I've been thinking about him all day and how important a part of my teenage years he was. The first time I heard Hand In Glove was on his show. I was surprised that Ms Ginger Cake was sad too, but it makes perfect sense-who else was playing reggae on a national radio way back when? More recently, I enjoyed listening to Home Truths and I know he would have understood my obsession with cheesy bugs. The saddest thing for me is that my neice will be fourteen in a few weeks, the same age I was when I used to listen to him all the time and she'll never have the excitement of 'discovering' his show for herself.

say it ain't so

I was just checking Steve's blog to see whether he had found any other interesting British predators and was shocked to find out that John Peel has died. If you don't know John Peel, then it's hard to explain how much he'll be missed.

finally, i am rich

My eBay auction is going very well. The single hair that I am selling has received four bids so far, and is now worth 26p. A man has an average of 100,000 hairs on their head and about 30,000 on their face, that means that I stand to make about £36,800 from selling all my hair, and that doesn't include the more exotic hair, for which I will charge a premium, of course. The great thing about this is that once I have plucked every hair from my body, it will grow back in a couple of weeks and I can start all over again. Why didn't I think of this before?

second chance

We have a wonderful grapevine growing around the garden and every year I intend to harvest the grapes and produce a batch of Chateau McMuffin. Every year I fail to do this. As it's such a gorgeous day, I thought I would venture outside and look at the state of the garden. The garden is a mossy, cat poo mess, but there were a few bunches of glossy black grapes hanging from the nearly leafless vine. I managed to pick a couple of pounds and they are now being divested of little spiders and ladybirds. As I am not terribly interested in doing anything that doesn't show immediate results, I think I'll freeze them and then hand them over to my Dad to process. He is very good at doing this and made the best blackberry wine ever, from our harvestings one year. I blame the house, actually. I'm sure if I lived in a lovely little cottage again, I would find the time to make my own bread, jam, pickles, wine, rear ducks and have a well stocked herb garden. Yes, it's definitely the house.

I was quite impressed with this show on channel 4. I don't want to name it in case we get a load of porn spam. It kept me interested and dealt straighforwardly with the subject matter without a hint of prurience. I'm also enjoying The Long Way Round as I always fancied doing a big tour when I was a biker. I am amazed that Charley Boorman is no longer the pretty thing in The Emerald Forest, but all grown up and not terribly attractive. Ewan McGregor is pretty as always, even with ginger stubble.

things i have realised over the weekend

Leaving your team is very sad, but if you didn't leave, then you would miss out on the lovely Bodum gifts.

Mr McMuffin junior has become the biggest cheese in his company and we are very proud of him.

Telling Mr McM jnr that he will not get you really drunk (as usual) will be seen as a challenge and you will lose.

Your hair really does have a mind of its own and it is not a sane mind.

To do lists are instruments of the Devil and should be destroyed with the appropriate ceremony.

Slinky does not like to be abandoned at the weekend and this manifests itself by his unwillingness to be more than a metre away from us on our return and the need to remind us loudly of his presence at all times.