sitting here...

I am working at home because I have another report to do for court. I told myself that I would start work at 9am. It is now 9.06am, and I am just having a last fag before I start, which is kind of odd given that I virtually chain-smoke while I am writing. I hate writing reports. But, I guess I should get started. I really wrote this post so that our archives could move on a month!

still sitting here...

Two cups of coffee and 7 fags in three hours. Done some writing, but thought I'd take a break to see if anyone had posted anything of interest. 20 minutes later...have to stop myself and get on with my work.

guess where i am...

Still sitting here. It is 1:36pm. I am having another cup of coffee, and I have lost track of how many fags I have smoked. I have listened to Willie Nelson all morning, and have decided that it is time for a bit of Paul Simon. I have nearly finished my report, but this is a two part job. As soon as I have finished this one, I have to write another, which fortunately will be based on this one. I hate it all, and I hate the fact that I have to do this job to make money. I wonder if Steve has won the lottery. I really should put the link to PayPal back up, just in case.

safari crashed...

I was trying to post about something important, but Safari crashed and I lost it all. Ah, well...

4.50pm

The time is 4.50pm, and I finished my report about 20 minutes ago. Sent it off to my manager to have a look at it. I have tidied up the kitchen and started making tonight's dinner. Now I am going to have a bath and get ready to go shopping with Mrs McMuffin at Bluewater, Europe's largest shopping centre. It's the size of Bath city centre, you know. I'm not going for any particular reason, but it does me good to indulge iin mindless spending every now and then.

space...

Recently I read a couple of people talking about whether they'd use up their Typepad storage space quickly if they post lots of photos. This is a fairly photo-heavy site, and in the last six months we have used up 2.36% of our storage space. We have a bells and whistle package from Typepad, so I'm not sure if it is the same for everyone, which allows us 200Mb of storage. By my calculations it will take us about 20 years to use up all of our space at our current consumption. I'm hoping that some new technology that we can't even dream of right now will have taken over by then. So, stop worrying about it, and get posting. The more photos the better as far as I am concerned. By the way, please stop using those piddly little photos, unless it is for some kind of design reason. I can understand that. I hate having to click on them to see the photo properly. Sometimes it is just one click too many.

UPDATE: Just checked the Typepad site, and if you have a basic package and a site with as many photos as this one, which few seem to do, then it will last you about 5 years. If you have the next deal up, then it will last you about 10 years. Either way, there is just no excuse for not posting lots and lots of photos. Of course, this does not apply to Mrs McMuffin, who doesn't know how to post a photo!

hanging my head...

I suddenly feel very self-conscious about posting big photos. I feel a little bit guilty about all those people with only a dial-up connection trying to view our site.

angel...

Mrs McMuffin and I have spent the best part of the last ten years of our life following the adventures of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel. At the end of session five, Buffy sacrificed herself to save the world, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was one of those TV moments that we will talk about for years to come. That was a couple of years ago, and still it sticks in my head. There is no point me trying to persuade the unbelievers in the value of these shows, but I do have to say, that this was quality TV. When Buffy ended last year, I felt bereft. It was as if there was nothing to watch on TV, but fortunately that wasn't true, because we still had Angel. Now, two series later, they are cancelling that show. The reason for this is a bit of a mystery. This is a hit show with a strong, if slightly unhinged, following, and it just seems to get better with each new series. Anyway, next week's episode will be the last one ever, and there really will be nothing to watch on TV. What will we do?

never smear...

...Mr McMuffin was a posting fool today. Good job he couldn't get a non shaky picture of the frog in our kitchen tonight or you would have been treated to more excessive use of our megabytes.

Anyway, say there was this woman who really hated going to the hairdressers, the dentists and having a smear. She has to go and see one of these people (take your guess) as she keeps getting reminders. This woman might be so frightened that she overcompensated and presented herself a day early at the doctors. She might have felt a bit stupid when she did this. She might also have had a bad day at work, decided to watch a little mindless tv and seen a show called something like 'Poor little rich girls' where a rich girl (clever title) from London swaps places with a girl from an isolated farm on the very isolated Isle of Man. So this woman is watching tv and sniggering at the farm girl's first close up of multiracial London and the stupid comments she makes. She then sees that the rich girl helps deliver a lamb by putting her arm inside a pregnant sheep. Do you think this woman feels any better about the ordeal ahead tomorrow?

It's going to be a long night.

i, robot...

Six months ago I posted this. I couldn't quite work out what it was. I now know that it was a teaser for the new Alex Proya film, I, Robot, which stars Will Smith. Alex Proya is the fella who directed The Crow and Dark City, both of which are amazing to look at. The prospect of him directing a robot film with lots and lots of money makes me so excited that I think I am going to wet myself.

However, there is a dark side to all of this, apart from the wet patch on my trousers. I love the Asimov robot stories, and it fills me with not a little dread to hear Alex Proya say, "we've taken licence to create our own story within the confines of Asimov's world." Please, God, don't let it be another Bicentennial Man...

don't talk to me

...I am having to re write someone else's court report and appear with them in court tomorrow as their 'manager'. It's going to be a fucking fiasco and I'm worried that we won't get the order because it's been such a cock up from start to finish. The Social Worker won't even know what he's talking about as I don't think he's bothered to read the file.

So I won't be blogging or doing anything except feeling more tired and swearing as I spend most of the night trying to write something halfway decent. He probably earns as much as I do, too.

Anyway, that woman from yesterday, right, she did go and have the smear done and it wasn't as bad as she thought. I just want to point out that the woman isn't necessarily Mrs McMuffin. It could have been a post about someone else, you know.

I'm talking now...

...and not swearing with every other word that comes out of my mouth. I am so tired and there a few more bits to do, but I'm not doing them, to hell with it.

My court clothes are looking a bit old now and seeing as I'm going to a bench, I thought a nice twin set might get them on my side. Unfortunately I can't find my a set that doesn't need either the jumper or the cardi washing and I seem to have lost another set. Oh well, the slinky Jaspar Conran one it is (in the sale from Debenhams of course-I don't earn that much!).

Night night. Well morning really.

sitting here...again

Set the alarm for 5am this morning because I have to get some stuff down for work before I go to court. Woke up at 4.30am and thought I might as well get up. Been sitting here for an hour surfing and smoking and drinking coffee. Must do a bit of work now. By the way, this is Mr McMuffin suffering now.

Before I go, a word of advice, don't become a social worker, and don't let your children do it either. Oh sure, there is the money and the glamour, and you do get to drag screaming children from the arms of their loving parents. There is also the opportunity to appear in court so that lawyers can tear to shreds what little professional credibility you have, and I mustn't forget to mention how special the death threats make me feel. But, no, it's not all like that. Sometimes it is just plain drudgery.

We really need a holiday.

this is the future...

I am very excited about a little programme that I downloaded off the internet call LiveDictionary. I'm sorry for all you Windoze users, but it is a Mac only app. It is a Safari plug-in which automatically searches for the definition of a word when you hold the cursor on it. Hold the cursor on a word and up pops a window with the definition. It allows you to translate in a variety of different languages, although that feature is a little slow. It costs $25, and I almost want to buy just to support the writer. This is the future.

here I come to save the day...

... Tis I, the fairer McMuffin wanting to tell the world that we had no problem in court today and I didn't even have to give evidence! I have never had to give evidence for more than 15 minutes in any court case I've been involved in and I've never failed to get an order. I would like to think this is because I am so eminently persuasive that the respondents see no option but not to contest, but I am probably just very lucky.

So this evening my whole team set out to remove four children with the Police Child Protection Team and seven uniformed officers. What is wrong with people at the moment? Stop abusing your children, we don't want them to suffer and we bloody hate the work it entails. Enough about work I think.

Mr McMuffin's new toy is driving me mad and keeps popping up all the time. I'm going to remove it. Oh well, back to court then.

Mr McMuffin has hired 'Mystic River' and I'm hoping I can keep my eyes open long enough to watch it, as I hear it's good. Mr McMuffin is now boring me with the cast list so I'm going back to court to have him removed, well, his larynx for a start.

mystic river is polluted

This was not a bad film until the last ten minutes when it turned into a misogynistic frenzy. What a surprise from Mr Eastwood, that well known feminist. Am I the only person who recalls that he is an abuser of women in real life?

We are also very bad people. Unwittingly we have become a magnet for not only Slink, but our nice neighbour's other cat. Let's call this cat 'Ra' to protect his identity. Ra came into our house bold as brass, plonked himself down and started grooming his fur. Right now he is sitting on one of our chairs and eyeing up Slink. Slink is not happy about this. Despite having lived with Ra for many years, Slink believes this house and the people in it to be his property and not to be shared with Ra.

Now I can cope with stealing one cat away, but not two. Little Ra is leaving as soon as I can get Mr McMuffin to stop cooing over him.

our new cat...

Thought you might like to see a picture of Ra. I took this last night, and the light was not very good, but I have played with photoshop and you can make him out now. He is lovely, although why he has decided after 4 years to visit us is a bit of a mystery. I think our lovely neighbour must have taken to poking him with sharpened 4H pencils too. How else can you explain it?

kevin costner...

I just had a strange conversation with Mrs McMuffin about the subtleties of Kevin Costner's acting technique. We decided that it is unfair to suggest that his acting is wooden, when in fact he is a very subtle actor. A bit like Clint Eastwood, we thought. This conversation was prompted by the fact that I have hired Open Range for us to watch tonight. I love a decent cowboy film, although Mrs McMuffin is less keen. I think it is a girl thing. I will let you know how it goes.

NB Mrs McMuffin would like the world to know that Charlie Sheen is also a subtle actor, and not in the least bit wooden or over-hyped (in his day) or that being related to a very fine actor had anything to do with his momentary success. He made his direct to video career on his own merits.

[Mrs Mc Muffin would like to speak for herself and say that Charlie Sheen is a fine actor, with no conditions attached. We both like Kevin and Clint's directing, but agreed that Kevin actually seemed to like women in his films. Funnily enough, William Goldman loves Clint and raves about what a talented and allround alright bloke he is. I wonder if he would have said the same if he was Wilhelmina.

We also wondered who would win in a shoot out (an Alien versus Predator debate) I said Kevin, Mr McMuffin thought Clint.]

open range

Just finished watching Open Range, and what a wonderful film it was. Why did this film not get a look in at the Oscars? Why have more people not gone to see it? Apparently it was a critical success in the USA but took hardly any money. In the UK it went straight to DVD. No sloppy acting at all, and once again Kevin has made America look beautiful. There is the most amazing gunfight, which lasts at least 30 minutes, and you really do get some idea of the panicky chaos that must have been around at these moments. People running around everywhere, shouting, and dying. When people get shot, blood spurts, and they are thrown into the air by the force of the bullets. It all seemed quite real to me.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about the whole film was how affecting the slight romance that runs through it is. With only a few words and a look, Kevin and Annette utterly convinced me.

This is a great film, and you should all see it immediately. Now, don't argue with me. Just go and hire it straight away [or buy it, which would be better, because I am sure you will want to watch it again]. I would give this film 9½ out of 10, and it easily rates alongside the similarly themed film, Unforgiven. However, not all the women in this film are prostitutes, as Mrs McMuffin has pointed out. In fact, this film was a prostitute free zone.

[UPDATE The prairie scenes were not made in America. They used Alberta in Canada as a substite for Montana. I have also discovered that the film cost $26,000,000 to make and grossed, in the USA alone, $58,000,000. Maybe I am wrong, but that doesn't seem like too much of a flop.]

a dozen best westerns...

Been thinking about cowboy films that I like, and I have put together a list of twelve of my favourites. Some of you will notice that I have included Carry On Cowboy. This is a great film, very unlike most of the other Carry On films, and it is very, very funny. I remember seeing it as a double bill with Carry On Screaming when I was a kid. In those days I used to spend my every free moment in the cinema. I would go in at 11am and not come back out until 10pm [yes, I did have quite neglectful parents]. I'd watch the films over and over again. Sid James as the Rumpo Kid is as iconic for me as Clint or Kevin will ever be. I saw some amazing films when I was a kid. I saw Once Upon A Time In The West when I was about 8 years old. I was shocked, and some ways the shock I felt has stayed with me, to see Henry Fonda shoot a two children at the beginning of the film. I couldn't believe that anyone would shoot children, and I certainly could never imagine that Henry Fonda would do such a thing. Perhaps I really was a bit too young to have seen this. Films were certificated, and I imagine this was an X rated film, but I never had any problems getting in to see whatever I fancied. Perhaps this is where my poor critical faculty comes from, as far as I was concerned, all the films were good.

garden things...

I am still in love with the macro features of my new camera. Here are a few photos of some of the things I found in our garden.

cat news...

This is the kind of harassment that we have to put up with on a daily basis. This is another neighbour's cat, we don't know his name, and have only referred to him as The Ginger One. He has been coming around our house for a couple of years now, since he was a little kitten. He took a shine to Slink and used to follow him everywhere. And Slink used to let him. TGO has never in all that time come near Mrs McMuffin or me. It is as if we do not exist for him. He will happily sit a few feet away and clean himself, quite relaxed, and we can go about our business, but if we make the slightest move towards him, he's off. Anyway, he has always liked to prowl around our house, and I have found him all over the place. Just sitting, admiring the view. Mrs McMuffin once found him going through the stuff in our junk room, or should I say one of our junk rooms. Today I found him eating poor wee Slink's food. I heard a noise, and looked up, and there he was stuffing himself. He finished his food, and off he went.

By the way, Mrs McMuffin has had a battle with him over the years, because he is quite keen on murdering the frogs that live in our garden pond. He just sits by the side, and occasionally swipes one on to dry land. He sometimes eats their head, but for some reason refuses to have anything to do with their legs. Very strange.

I must update you on our becoming new cat, Ra. Mrs McMuffin was woken at 4am this morning by Slink who wanted something to eat. She went downstairs to feed him, and found Ra crying at the front door to be let in. She is hard, and needless to say, she left him there. I think I probably would have let him in.

anyone...

...would think Mr McMuffin had nothing else to do all day. He has prepared a three course meal for four people, but as he is good at this has just been realxing the rest of the day. I haven't really stopped. I think he's just a bit better at time management and not being bothered by heaps of laundry.

collecting lemony snicket eyes...

woman market...

Can anyone guess what these people are selling? I think the special offer is buy two and get one free.

five part mushroom study...

There must come a point in every bloggers life when they suddenly realise that this is their blog and they can bloody well post anything they like, including a five part mushroom study. I found this in our garden this morning, and it just looked so lovely. A single mushroom.

Oh, dear I think I loved this mushroom too much. My camera slipped. I guess it is true, we always hurt the ones we love.

down our street...part 1

Mrs McMuffin and I were reminded by Jo of all the celebrities we have entertained over the years. Perhaps the most memorable meal we had was the night Jen and Brad popped over unexpectedly. They have lived a couple of doors down from us for a couple of years now. They say they moved here so that they could have an ordinary life away from the glare of the Hollywood publicity machine. We don't see that much of each other usually, because they are often away shooting some film or TV show or other, but Brad and I have got into the habit of taking out our wheelie bins for the dustmen on a Tuesday night at the same time, and we also take the time to have a quick chat. We have this really annoying group of teenagers that hang around the front of our houses at night, and the other night one of them, or at least we think it was one of them, keyed Jen's Vauxhall Corsa. Left a bloody great big scratch down the side. Now Jen will have to make a claim on her insurance and lose her no claims bonus. She is really pissed off about this.

Mrs McMuffin and Jen have become quite good friends. They seem to have quite a lot in common, similar sense of humour, dress sense, and taste in men. They like nothing better than going shopping at Zara in Bluewater for clothes together, although Jen is a bit jealous of Mrs McMuffin's long legs, as she usually has to take the legs up a bit when she buys trousers.

Anyway, they just popped round. We had a few glasses of wine, and even though Jen was getting a bit loud, and was beginning to needle Brad a bit, I thought it would be nice to make us all something to eat. It's quite difficult feeding them, because they're always on some stupid faddy diet or other. This time they were only eating dry cornflakes and slow roasted cherry tomatoes. I know, it doesn't sound like much of a diet, but I think they supplemented their diet with lots of red white. Jen certainly like her glass of sparkling rose. Well, at least that night she did.

We had a lovely meal, sitting chatting while we ate our cornflakes and tomatoes. Then suddenly for no reason that I could see, Jen started throwing cornflakes at Brad. We were all a bit drunk by this point, and it seemed like some harmless fun. Until, that is I was hit in the eye by a slow roasted cherry tomato, thrown by Jen. It nearly took my eye out. But even this didn't stop her, she just seemed to get more and more excited, and before we knew where we were, she was up on the table. She started kicking the glasses and plates onto the floor. Brad was desperately trying to get a grip of her, but Jen seemed completely out of control. In the end, I had to shout at her to stop, and I told Brad that he had better take his wife home. He was so embarassed and apologetic. I felt quite sorry for him, being married to such a lush. It was all a bit strange, that what had started off as a nice evening had deteriorated into such a mess.

We were left to clean up the mess that Jen had made. And, you know we couldn't find the nice Art Deco vase that my aunt gave to us last Christmas. We only found out the next day that Jen had taken the vase. Poor Brad brought it back, and he just kept apologing. He kept saying that Jen's behaviour was so out of character.

Now that was a night to remember.

[UPDATE I bumped into Brad this morning, and he told me that Jen had been to the doctor the other day to have ingrown toenail sorted, and she had got chatting to the doctor about her diet. Turns out that the combination of dry cornflakes, slow roasted tomatoes, and sparkling rose wine, had brought on some kind of psychotic episode. He gave her some Librium, and she seems to be okay now. Well, I guess that explains what happened. We were a bit surprised, because she isn't usually like that. By the way, Jen drew the picture of her and Brad. She gave it to us as a little apology gift.]

where the streets have no name

Mr McMuffin makes our road sound a bit 'Stella Sreet', but it isn't really like that. Most of the time we try to ignore the celebs and just get on with our lives.

This weekend we saw the lovely Profiteroles and had a good time catching up with them and hearing the latest exploits of their twin daughters. They're growing up but still as funny as when they were babies and had their own private language. The Profiteroles could hear them talking in the night and the only words they could make out were 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' followed by the sound of them cracking up with laughter. I love the idea of these tiny children mocking their parents at such a young age. It took me many years to get to the same point and even longer for my parents to appreciate it!

We also went to the garden centre with Ms Ginger Cake, who has developed an interest in gardening. It was nice to feel knowledgable and tell her the names of plants. My knowledge of course was of where the labels were situated. She learned a lot from this, next week she'll be showing me where they are.

We also managed to catch up with Rock Cake and Gypsy Tart who had been sailing down the Thames in their new boat. We have an invitation to join them next time and I'd really like to go. Having done a few lessons I realise that it's not as easy as it looks. I'd always had this fantasy that I'd be a natural sailor (and skier). Well, i'm not a natural but it has taught me one thing and that's never to go skiing and to keep the dream intact.

Work this week then two whole weeks off. I'm certainly using up my annual leave this year. I'm not carrying one minute over.

monday night club

We have got into bad company and bad habits. The bad company is my sister and her partner. They greet us as we return from work on Monday nights and invite us into their garden for a glass of wine. Last night we both staggered home around midnight and I practically collapsed on the bed. I had a great night's sleep and woke feeling refreshed. This is bad for a school night.

My sister is a very good girl really and sorted out my passport yesterday. I can now leave the country again and realised how trapped I felt by not having a passport for a few months. The new ones have got a strange holographic film over the picture and apparently I could have signed up for the new iris and fingerprint initiative. Thankfully my sister didn't abuse my trust in her and did not give in to her baser instincts and acquire a second passport, in my name, with her prints on it.

So now I have a passport and we have a fortnight off work coming up. Madeira here we come.

i'm a little bit scared...

Is there anybody out there? Is it just us, or have you noticed that the blogging world seems very quite at the moment. I wonder if it has something to do with the weather?

madeira...

I only have time for a quick post. I have been writing a huge report all day and I am determined to keep going until it is finished, no matter how long it takes. But, I just thought I would tell you how much I hate travel companies. I phoned a few of them yesterday trying to get a good deal for our trip to Madeira. Each and every one of them started off by asking me if I had been quoted any prices yet. After I had heard this about a dozen times, I said to the woman, "just tell me how much the holiday costs." She responded by immediately putting me on hold. I disconnected of course. Another offered a great deal. She asked if she could phone me back in a few minutes, so that she could have the time to put our details on the computer. When she phoned back, she told me that the price had risen by £50. Needless to say, I told her to get lost, even though it was still quite a good deal. I hate them all and their cowboy tactics. Could imagine buying a pair of trousers from M&S only to be told when you got to the checkout that the pockets cost an extra tenner. Why can't they just advertise the cost of the holiday?

Anyway, I am now toying with the idea of not booking anywhere until Sunday. I am sure we could get a great deal on a Monday flight. What do you think?

I am losing my sense of humour. I really need a holiday.

women died for this, you know..

...so that's why I always vote. I hope you did too. I don't care who you voted for unless you put a cross beside the BNP or the 'Pro Life' party (who the flipping heck are they?) but I don't think you did. I hope they lose their deposits and find a new, slimy rock to crawl under. That's all I'm saying on the subject.

it was broke but i fix it...

I can't remember if Mrs McMuffin told you that when we had the garden shed and outside toilet knocked down, it revealed an old lead pipe that was gushing water. It started off as a trickle but has gradually got worse. We tried to get the water board to fix it, but today they finally arrived, their second attempt, and they took one look at it and said, "nothing we can do mate, it's on your property." Or at least they said words to that effect to my lovely sister-in-law who stayed home to see to them. Despite her offer to give him a blow job, he refused to fix it, and left it gushing water into our already sodden garden. Anyway, I hammered it closed, and it is now fixed, or at least bodged. Just remember this moment, the next time Mrs McMuffin tries to persuade you that I am useless around the house.

[ I just have to comment on Mr McMuffin's suggestion that my own flesh and blood would consider offering sexual favours for services. It is untrue and tasteless, although Gypsy Tart did laugh when she read it.

The water board are now on my hit list. This is a very long list of people and organisations who have crossed me and will suffer the consequences when I am powerful enough to inflict them on them. I realise that this may take some time, but I am willing to wait. I am not a nice person when offended.

I have explained to the water people three times exactly what the problem was and even said that if they were unable to offer a service because the leak was on our property (although not from our water supply) I would call a plumber. They assured me that they would send someone to take a look and they would be likely to sort the problem out. We even made complicated arrangements about how their worker would gain access to our property, so it's hard to see how this man didn't have a clue that he might be going to look at a leak on private property. I can't beleive I paid the bill until October. Bastards.

Mr McMuffin is now my DIY hero. He's not Handy Andy, but he did fix it.]

look what i found...

When I went to bed last night, I was confronted by the sight of not one, but two cats, relaxing on our bed. How quickly things change. It is only a few days since Ra decided that maybe, just maybe, and I am not sure he has entirely made up his mind, that we could be trusted enough for him to come within ten feet of us, and now he is sleeping on our bed. I slipped into bed, leaving them where they were. They lay contentedly for a few minutes, until I watched Slink quietly reach over and cuff Ra across the face, which started a bit of a hissy fight. He reminded me so much of growing up with my brothers and sisters, when one of us would do something completely out of the blue to wind up the other, and then sit back with a look of "who me?" on our faces. Poor Ra, I don't think his introduction into our little family is going to go smoothly, even though the cats have lived together all of their lives.

done and dusted...

It was nerve-wrecking for a few moments, but I have now booked our holiday in Madeira, and it all worked out much better than I even dreamed off. I stayed away from the package deals and have booked an apartment and flights. It has cost us about half as much as it usually does, which is nice. So, think of us on Monday lunch time, because we will be sipping lovely coffee in the sunshine in our favourite square, which we like to call 'The Yellow Square', for obvious reasons, but is really called Praça do Colombo. The weather is predicted to remain a steady 24˚C for the entire week. If you want to find out more about the lovely Madeira then you can follow the link.

strange cat noise

My lovely sister-in-law has been a bit freaked out since she found a couple of cats under a car, and one of them was making this sound. She is quite convinced that there is some kind of catty plot to usurp the humans in our area.

strange cats full stop

Mr McMuffin did not throw the cats off the bed so I had to chuck Ra out. He wasn't best pleased, but Slinky looked happier. Slink's got into a habit of wanting to get up and out any time between 4.30 and 5.30 am and foolish person
I am, I get up, feed him, and let him out. This morning I happened to glance outside the kitchen window and saw Ra and Ginger sitting outside the back door, just staring at me. I have to confess I was quite frightened. I know they're only cats, but they seem to be getting very organised around here. As you know Gypsy Tart was quite disturbed by the 'boom' noises made by the cat under the car and has become a little obsessed with telling everyone about this and trying to find out if anyone else has ever heard a cat make this sound. She also shares my concerns.

I can only suspect that the many cats in our road are banding together and plotting. I have no idea what they are planning, or what their demands are. I fear that this is likely to spread across the country.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

postcards for all...

If you would like to receive a lovely postcard from sunny Madeira send us your address. Here is our email address: mr&mrs@www.mcmuffin.co.uk

not at home with the mcmuffins

The McMuffins are away on holiday from 4am 14th June until 21st June. Please feel free to entertain yourselves and if you'd like to come around and do a spot of tidying up or DIY then you're very welcome. I'm sure Gypsy Tart will make you a cup of tea if you ask her nicely. I don't think she'll be guest blogging as she got a little panicky look in her eyes when she realised the awesome responsibility this entails.

I'm sure Mr McMuffin will hunt down an internet cafe so that he can torment you from another little island in the Atlantic and I expect we shall be back before your postcards get to you. Enjoy the heatwave.

temporarily at home...

I just couldn't resist the temptation to do a little blogging while Mrs McMuffin is having a bath. I know it is a bit sad to be sitting in a darkened internet cafe while the sun is blazing outside, but hey, it's my holiday. Madeira is lovely, of course. The sun is shining and it is very warm. Don't worry I am making sure that my white British body is protected from the sun. Our apartment is even better than I could have hoped for, and it has air conditioning in the bedroom. We did have a bit of excitement yesterday when Mrs McMuffin lost her purse. It wasn't so much the money it contained, but having to go through the trouble of reporting all the cards as missing. Of course, we didn't have any telephone numbers on us, and we didn't have the slightest idea how to report anything to the police. In fact, we didn't even know where the police station was. Anyway, fortunately, the lovely Medeiran people came to our rescue, and it had been found in a cafe we had been sitting in. We have now written down all our contact number etc and we each have a copy. Just in case. I must go now, the sun is calling...and I really fancy a beer.

what we like...

When we go on holiday, I just have to go to the cinema a couple of times where ever we go. We have seen some real stinkers over the years. We can really only ever go to see big budget American films, because they tend to be subtitled. Last night we went to see The Punisher starring Tom Jane (?) and John Travolta. It is another Marvel comic book adaptation. It is one of the lesser known characters. He doesn't have any super powers, and he survives on nothing but desire for revenge, although he dresses this up as moral justice. Anyway, after his whole family is murdered, he sets out for bloody revenge, killing gods knows how many people in horrible ways. The action is good. Tom Jane, whoever he is, is personable enough. He reminded me a lot of Christopher Lambert. He even had the slight cast to his eyes. John Travolta did his usual turn as a cool crazed psycho baddie. I quite liked it. Mrs McMuffin didn't.

I am hoping to go to see Hellboy while I am here. There is another cinema somewhere, but for the life of me, I cannot work out where it is. I am determined not to ask someone.

Back out to the sunshine and a cup of lovely strong coffee.

so relaxed

It certainly was not my intention to do any blogging on holiday, but as there is an internet cafe in our apartment block, the pull was too strong.

We are both very relaxed and have stuck to our plan to do nothing more taxing than a little light strolling and cafe hopping. We´ve seen most of the island before so we´re not bothered about taking any trips out. We shall of course be returning to the botanical gardens and Monte. Mr McMuffin just loves seeing me go white and faint at the thought of getting in a cable car.

I have been very brave about flying, even when our plane was delayed by faulty hydraulics. Once we got going the flight attendant told us all that there wouldn´t be a film as the film equipment needed a spare part which hadn´t arrived on time. This was clearly not the best maintained plane I´ve been on.

Saturday night there is a big celebration and firework display so we have made a reservation at a harbour side restaurant for a good view. We ate there yesterday so we know the food is ok.

Anyway, I´m returning to my holiday as I find it a little sad to be blogging in the middle of it. Looking forward to catching up with everyone on our return. The postcards are all posted so it´s anyone´s guess when you´ll actually get them. The man in the post office stamped them very hard in obvious appreciation of the interesting location of some of the stamps on them. Don´t be surprised if they´re a little battered.

home on the range

We arived home safely thanks to me. I concentrated all the way home on the plane not crashing and it worked. We had a great time but are pleased to be home and able to sleep in our own bed. We shall bore you with the photos and anecdotes very soon, but tonight are going to catch up with Gypsy Tart and Rock Cake at 'Monday Night Club', that's if they ever get home from work. Mr McMuffin brought a load of squid, prawns, beans, olives and cheese back. We've been to Sainsbury's and now have the makings of a magnificent meal.

Let us know when you get your postcards, it seems that David is the first of the bunch and if this was a pigeon race he would win. Thanks for all the good holiday wishes and we'll be visiting you very soon.

shadowkissing...

We have now returned from our sojourn in Madeira. We have taken lots of lovely photographs, and will post some of them later. I like this photo of us sharing a tender moment.

funchal...

Everybody seems to concentrate on the beauty of Madeira, and the lovely city of Funchal rarely gets a look in. So, I thought I would post some photos of the city. Of course, it is practically impossible to take any photos in Madeira without there being some kind of breathtakingly beautiful scenery in the background. I love Funchal. It has everything I need in a city. Sunshine, sea breezes, lots of shops, beautiful buildings, and lots and lots of places to drink coffee and eat. According to Mrs McMuffin, Madeira is Portuguese for 'wood', or in this context, probably 'forest' is more appropriate. Funchal, apparently, is Portuguese for 'fennel'. Just thought you might like to know that.

By the way, the tumbled down house is the one that I have had my eye on since we first started visiting Madeira four or five years ago. It sits right on the edge of a beautiful park. I was disappointed to hear that some famous footballer had bought a floor of the building next door, so I imagine house prices will start to rocket soon.

wildlife...

These little lizards are everywhere on Madeira. They are only 3 or 4cm long and dart about all over the place. I have struggled to get one of them to stand still long enough for me to take a photo of them. This one, for some reason, sat watching me from its hiding place while I gradually moved the camera closer and closer, until it was almost touching it. Very accommodating little creature.

The Terapins at the botantical gardens are lovely. They live in a pond in the gardens, and seem to spend their entire life piled on top of one another sunning themselves. Again, this one, who I shall call Frank, was not in the least bit camera shy. Mrs McMuffin impressed me today, by telling me that she could see the meniscus of the water really clearly in the photograph. You will have to look this up, but I think it has something to do with the surface tension of the water.

This is a very pretty cat.

movies we saw on holiday...

I love to go to the cinema in foreign countries. We can usually only watch big budget American movies that have been subtitled. Every country's cinemas are different. The Portuguese are probably the most civilised of the lot, because they serve beer and they have fag break half way through the film. They call it an interval, but we like to think of it as a fag break. This holiday we saw four films, which is more than we usually do, but we discovered a new shopping centre just outside Funchal with a lovely new cinema. We can never work out when the Portuguese go to the cinema, because there was only ever a few people watching the movie with us. In fact, when we went to see Mean Girls, we were the only people in the theatre. Here is my reviews of the movies. Both The Punisher and Taking Lives were okay. Mean Girls was a little bit more than okay, a sort of OK+, if you like. Hellboy was brilliant. I loved it, and surprisingly, so did Mrs McMuffin. Ron Perlman managed to give the bright red horned demon with a tail a touch of humanity. It was comic book action with soul.

mr mcmuffin's holiday reading...

I read the first fiction I have read for absolutely ages while I was on holiday. I couldn't quite make up my mind what books to take with me, but I was persuaded by Steve's recommendation for Neal Asher's Line of Polity. He was right, it was great. Big space opera. However, very, very derivative, but not in a bad way! I could see elements of Peter F. Hamilton, The Matrix, and many others. I immediately decided to read some more his stuff, but on checking with Steve, it seems that Asher's other books are not so good, and that coming from a fan. The other book I read, or perhaps I should say am reading, is Mark Haddon's The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Night-time. A very different book, but equally as good. I like the consistency of his main character, who has some form of autism. I worked with people with autism for a while some years ago, and some of them were just like this. When he spells out the thinking processes, I can almost recognise people I have known. If you're looking for a good read, then you could do a lot worse than choosing one of these books.

flora and fauna...

I can't help myself. I just have to post a few more photographs from our Madeira trip. My apologies to those people who are still using a dial-up connection. I don't know what any of the plants are called, except for the first one, which is Papyrus.

mrs mcmuffin's holiday reading...

Mrs McMuffin reads much faster than me. I am sure she will want to update this post later with her views on the books she read while on holiday.

Seeing as Mr McMuffin has done all the hard work, I think it would be churlish of me not to comment on my holiday reads.

It took me a while to get round to 'Oryx and Crake' as I feel quite ambivalent about Margaret Atwood. When she's good she's very, very good...and this is quite good. I don't understand why her science fiction is seen as 'literature' yet other, better books aren't.

'The Last Party' was an entertaining account of the post Smiths musical wilderness. I was never very keen on Justine Frischman (but loved the frist Elastica album) but actually grew to like her from reading about her. Sadly, I never found out whether she gave up heroin.

James Frey author of 'A Million Little Pieces' gave up everything he was addicted to and tells us in gory detail about his substance use. Yuck. However, I just love books about people overcoming their drug/alcohol problems as in my working life, it's rare to see this happen.

'The Distant Echo' and 'Something Might Happen' were lent to me by Ms Ginger Cake and both chart in different ways the impact of a murder on people. I liked them both.

I didn't actually read the Bill Bryson book, as Mr McMuffin had finished the Neal Asher one, so I started that instead.

As you can see, I do read very quickly. I actually read one book and half of another on the outward flight.