handy hints for homemakers

Every now and again I like to get in touch with my inner housewife, and thought I would share with you my hard won hints.

First of all, Quentin Crisp was right about dusting. Don't bother, it never gets any worse.

Second hint: Buy a big house so you can fill a couple of rooms up with rubbish. This gives the appearance of tidiness in the rest of the house. Remember to always keep the doors shut.

Third hint: Spray bleach rocks. It will clean anything. Don't use it on your fridge or radiators unless you like the rusty spot contrast. Just think, if it's doing that to metal, what is it doing to your lungs?

Finally, life is too short for housework unless you have people coming to visit. It concentrates your mind wonderfully and you can achieve results very quickly. If you don't want to die of botulism poisoning or collapse under the weight of bedbugs I can recommend inviting friends over weekly. You also get a reputation for being gregarious and hospitable, and they have no idea that you're just using them.